Page 58 of Sawyer

“I did love it.” What I don’t tell her? Coach Jenkins mentioned the possibility of me playing soccer at the college level. Maybe even getting a scholarship.

Not like I had the grades or the desire to go to college. Still hurt giving that up, though.

Still don’t regret it. Duke made the team and played all through high school. And I could sleep at night knowing he was safe. Knowing I’d showed up for him in a way I hadn’t been able to show up to save my parents.

Over the years, that sense of responsibility morphed into a twisted need to ensure I was never the one who needed saving. My brothers were hurting so much, carrying around so much grief, that I didn’t want them to take on my shit too. So I made damn sure I never added to their pain.

I made sure I could do everything in my power to take theirs away.

Ava’s doing it again, looking at me for an uncomfortable amount of time like she doesn’t quite know what to make of me. “That’s a pretty incredible thing for a high school kid to do.”

I lift a shoulder. “Family is everything.”

June and Ella reappear, begging us to help them draw unicorns with the sidewalk chalk. Ava and I pop up. Wandering-Eye Asshole notices.

I fall into it too easily—the fantasy that Ava is mine and the four of us are a family.

Fucked up? Yes. Supremely satisfying? Also yes.

I take a seat on the sidewalk beside the girls so that I shield them from Asshole’s line of sight. Feels … good.

Feels better to laugh with the girls as we sit in the sunshine and draw malformed unicorns that look more like cows than anything.

I remind myself that the fantasy isn’t real. Ava isn’t mine to protect. Ella and June are just friends.

Ava and I arejust friends.

But it’s funny how accepting that truth requires so much pretending on my part. Because pretending not to want this woman—it’s a Herculean task.

I’m nothing if not a hard worker, though. I can do it.

I will do it. If only to protect the one girl who is mine.

A couple of hours later, Ella conks out, hard, on the drive home. I tell myself I’m proud I didn’t ask Ava for her number. Surely we’ll run into her and Junie again at some point, right?

But it’s regret that keeps me up way past my bedtime later that night.

CHAPTER15

Ava

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

We’re not evenin the preschool parking lot yet, but I’m already about to burst into tears.

Ignoring the knot of emotion in my chest, I attempt to sing along to “Happy Birthday.” It’s Junie’s current favorite song, probably because we sang it to my mom last week for her sixtieth birthday.

“No, Mommy, you got it wrong!” She meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. “We’re singing tome, not to Mimi.”

“Oh. Right. I’m sorry, honey. You know your birthday isn’t for a while yet, right?”

My daughter smiles at me. “Mimi said I can celebrate all the days. Even Saturdays.”

I blink, tears welling in my eyes. This morning was yet again a disaster getting June out the door. She wants to do everything herself, which means making breakfast, getting dressed, and packing her lunch took a small eternity. Then there was the fiasco about her wanting to wear her sparkly rain boots instead of her sneakers, which resulted in an epic meltdown that lasted twenty minutes. Then she randomly decided it was time to beg me to let her play with sidewalk chalk. She’s been obsessed with the stuff ever since our playdate with Ella.

In short, my daughter, like all three-year-olds, can be difficult as hell.

Right now, though, she’s so fucking cute that I feel like my heart is about to burst right out of my chest.

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