Page 83 of Sawyer

Instead, I think about her all day and dream of her all night. I go to bed sated after sexting but wake up hard enough to fuck a hole through my mattress.

The exponential acceleration of my feelings, our level of connection—it’s scary as hell. Difficult to control. Even more difficult to believe. I’ve waited my whole life to feel this way, but now that it’s happening, I feel unprepared. It’s so much better than I could have imagined.

So much more of a mindfuck.

I carefully tuck the roses into the crook of my arm. Picking up the scooter with my free hand, I set it underneath the eave by the garage door. We’re supposed to get rain tomorrow, and I don’t want the scooter—or Junie’s day—to get ruined.

Then, taking a deep breath, I head for the front door. Earlier, when I dropped Ella off at Cash and Mollie’s place, Mollie said I looked “handsome as all get-out” in my jeans, button-up, and jacket. I debated wearing a baseball hat—backward, of course—but Mollie said I should definitely wear the brown felt Stetson I borrowed from Wyatt.

“Baseball hats are hot, but cowboy hats arehot,” she explained.

Cash grinned, putting a hand on Mollie’s growing belly. “Here’s proof.”

“I’m happy for y’all, really, but—yeah, please don’t elaborate,” I said, but I was smiling as I headed back to my truck.

Luckily Ella was thrilled to be spending time with Uncle Cash and Auntie Mollie, and she didn’t give me a hard time as I left. My brother and his wife insisted they take her overnight, despite my warnings that my little sleep terrorist likely wouldn’t want to stay in her bed in the guest room.

In fact, they seemed pretty thrilled about having her over. Cash bought Disney+ just for the occasion, and he told Ella he couldn’t wait to become acquainted with Rapunzel, Elsa, and Ariel. Mollie wouldn’t stop texting me this week about how excited she was to play with the scratch-and-sniff stickers she’d grabbed at the pharmacy downtown.

Go figure, my family really is okay with lending me a hand. No one seems any more overwhelmed than normal. No one seems to resent me.

I’m okay with it.

Mostly. On the drive over to the Wallace Ranch, I had to turn up the radio to keep from spiraling. Should I have scrapped the whole overnight idea? I don’t want to have to rush through my date with Ava to get home, but maybe I should’ve insisted that Cash come to my place and babysit there for a few hours instead.

What if Ella wakes up twenty times and no one gets any sleep at all? What if she doesn’t eat, or she fights them on going to bed, or she makes a huge mess and they’re up late cleaning up after her? Cash and Mollie both have so much on their plates. They’re overseeing a major overhaul of a ranch that’s nearly the size of a small New England state, for crying out loud. Not to mention the fact that Mollie’s expecting. They need their rest.

Then again, I also need a night off. And I’m not about to let Ava slip through my fingers. If I’m real about making a potential relationship with her work, then I have to make myself a priority every once in a while.

I have to make some changes. Like Wyatt said, Cash and Mollie get to put up their feet and catch up on sleep after I take Ella home. That’s their break.

This is mine.

Lifting my hand, I knock on the door. My heart drums. Anticipation zips through my veins, making me feel lightheaded and nervous and … giddy.

Holy shit, I’m making changes.

I’m thinking about a relationship for the first time since, well, Lizzie and I decided to call it quits. Am I getting way ahead of myself? Or am I doing what I should be and quietly putting a wish out into the universe in the hope that it comes true?

Being with Ava is the first time I feel like there’s a real possibility that my wish actually will come true. Maybe it’s stupid. Maybe I’m assuming too much, and it’s going to end up biting me in the ass. But I don’t wanna be alone anymore.

I want Ava.

I hear the familiar pitter-patter of tiny footsteps. Then the door swings open and Junie appears, smiling up at me with her big, toothy grin.

“Mr. Sawyer’s here, Mommy!” she says.

I crouch, careful not to drop the flowers, and hold up my hand. “Hey, Junie. How ya doin’?”

“I’m good.” She gives me a high five. I notice her hand is covered almost entirely in purple marker.

“Ella says hello. She can’t wait to play with you again.”

Junie nods. “Yella is my friend.”

“She loves being your friend. Thanks for being so kind to her.”

“Ella has been the best guide to preschool. Isn’t that right, Bug?”

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