Page 98 of Sawyer

What beautiful insight he has into his heart of hearts.

But where the hell does this leave us? Sawyer wants commitment. I want freedom.

I don’t know what to say.

I wasn’t joking when I asked Sawyer why he hasn’t been swooped up yet by a beautiful woman with a thing for cute cowboys.

Really, whyisSawyer alone?

Sounds like it’s not for a lack of trying on local girls’ parts. Lizzie tried, and I’ve seen the way the other moms check him out at pickup and drop-off. He could definitely find someone if he just opened his eyes and tried.

Maybe that’s it. Sawyer doesn’t let himself try.

He doesn’t let himself do much of anything except be a good dad, a good brother.

Great first date.

“I know you’re ready,” I manage, tapping my finger on the center of his chest. “It’s what you deserve, Sawyer.”

“I also want Ella to grow up in the kind of house I did,” he continues. “My childhood was magic. I loved having all that space, all my brothers. My family gave me a real sense of belonging and connection. We all had our parts to play, you know? I’d love to give Ella some siblings.”

“Bet she’ll end up having plenty of cousins?”

“One can hope, yeah. I still worry about her being on her own. If something happens to me …”

Tears leak out of my eyes and onto Sawyer’s shirt. “I get that. I worry about Junie being on her own too. My sisters are my best friends. And it’s such a lifesaver having their help in dealing with my parents. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone.”

His thumb arcs over my arm. “But?”

“But bringing babies earthside is no small task. I don’t—” I suck in a breath, feeling hollowed out by confronting all these hard truths. “I lost so much of myself during that time trying to keep my baby and my marriage alive. It’s hard to think about going back there.”

He’s quiet for a long beat. I feel like this is the stage of the date where things kind of fall apart and we glumly agree to go our separate ways, disappointed that we’re not compatible.

Really, disappointed that the universe failed yet again to put us in the way of someone who lights us up.

Thing is, though, Sawyer does light me up. He gets it.

He gets me. And I think my gut, my center, my soul—whatever you want to call it—is actually coming around to that fact.

None of this makes any sense in the context of what we each consider happiness. For him, it’s a wife, kids, commitment. For me, it’s freedom and self-discovery.

Ultimately, though, don’t we both want our lives to be filled with love? Don’t we both want to love and be loved in return? I think we share the belief that love makes life worth living. There are different types of love, of course. Love for your kids. Love for your friends, your parents, your siblings.

Romantic love has a place too, though. A big one. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in finding it again. I think about the lessons I want to teach Junie about staying soft, open, allowing herself tobeloved.

“I totally understand where you’re coming from,” Sawyer finally replies. He speaks slowly, and I can tell he’s being careful about his choice of words. “I obviously didn’t go through pregnancy and childbirth and recovery like you did. I bow down to women, truly, for what y’all go through. No one gives you nearly enough credit. Or support.” He curls his arm so he can twine our fingers. “And the loneliness you must’ve felt without your husband’s help—I can’t imagine.”

My throat swells. “Thanks for saying that. Makes me feel … not validated. But seen. Heard. No one really seems to care all that much about moms. Or parents in general.”

“Hard agree.” He gives my hand a squeeze. “Thank God we have each other.”

Thank. God.

If I wasn’t falling for Sawyer before, I definitely am now. Here we are, the two of us clinging to each other like life vests, and he’s still brave enough to wade into deeper waters.

He’s still brave enough to stay open and stay soft, when it’d be so much easier and safer to shut me down.

“Sounds like you were lonely too—that Lizzie couldn’t be there for you the way you needed her to be,” I manage. “I know your family is worried about you.”

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