Page 17 of On the Edge

By the tone of her voice, I can tellshe’scurious. “If you want to know, why don’tyoujust ask him?”

“I have. He will only talk about it with you. Or at least, he says you deserve to be the first to know ...” She stalls and we both glance toward the mail room as Nate walks out, but instead of waiting for the elevator he heads to the stairwell without even glancing over his shoulder toward us.

“You asked him?” I try not to let the hurt creep into my voice.

“I mean, yeah, in between yelling at him for what he did and telling him to fuck off and get out of your now-happy-without-him life. Of course I asked. How could I not want to know?”

“Sierra, there’s no way there’s an explanation that will warrant my forgiveness. Disappearing like he did, and not even coming back after my accident while I was in the hospital? The only way what he did could be justified is if someone was holding him captive or something, and we know that wasn’t the case because two years later he showed up on social media, living his best life, clearly not missing anything in regard to our relationship.”

“I know, and I’m with you one hundred percent—what he did is unforgivable. But I guess ... I just can’t imagine that there’s not a good reason for it all. Maybe if you knew what happened, it’d allow you to get rid of some of this animosity toward him.” She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, back and forth as she talks.

“Animosity?” I roll my eyes because the word seems too benign to describe my feelings.

“Okay, how about hatred, then?” She throws her hands in the air. Sierra’s always been a physical talker, and understanding how she’s feeling is as much about watching her body language as it is about listening to her words. Right now, she’s uncomfortable and frustrated. “It’s almost an obsession, and I hate to see you give him that kind of power.”

Her words are way too close to Marco’s, and they dig at sores I didn’t even realize I still had, just under my skin.

“You think knowing why he left would make me hate him any less?”

“I think at least you’d finally have some answers.”

“I lost everything because of Nate—my racing career, my future, and my dignity. And none of that would have happened if I hadn’t trusted him in the first place. He was the worst kind of mistake and the best thing I can do right now is stay the hell away from him!”

Sierra’s eyes narrow, but she says nothing. Finally, after a moment of us staring at each other, she just blinks and shakes her head. “Okay.”

“What does ‘okay’ mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything, Jackson. Just okay.”

I want to believe her, but she seems hurt as she reaches into her bag and takes out the small but fancy camera she uses to capture photos of me for social media. It’s substantially more discreet than the one she uses for her work with the team.

“Sierra, I just can’t go back there. I can’t forgive him because he hurt me too badly. And I absolutely cannot open myself up to the possibility that he could ever make me feel that way again.”

In fact, everything I’ve done since he left has been designed to protect myself from experiencing that kind of loss again.

“I just want you to have the closure you deserve,” she says, as she steps closer and takes my hand.

“I’ve had enough closure,” I tell her with a definitive nod of my head. “I have you and Lauren and Petra. I have Marco. I have a fantastic job, and an awesome life. And nothing about Nate being back here is going to change any of that,” I say with more certainty than I feel.

“All right.” She shrugs her shoulders in defeat or disappointment—I’m not sure.

Sierra is so honest and earnest and always determined to see the good in everyone. It’s one of the things I have loved about her since I met her when we were kids. But I don’t love it when she’s applying those same qualities to Nate. Especially because she’s been through all of this with me already—the pain of him leaving, the crushing realization he wasn’t coming back, the difficult rehabilitation of my body and my heart over the past five years. She shouldn’t have it in her to see the best in him anymore. I certainly don’t.

“Sierra, I’m sorry,” I tell her, reaching over to squeeze her shoulder. “I love you, and I know you only want what’s best for me. But when it comes to Nate, I just can’t forget or forgive.”

I wrap her in a hug, and she returns it with one arm while her arm with the camera hangs limp at her side.

After a moment she pulls away, smiles, and says, “Photo time.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Right now, taking photos where I have to pretend that my ex hasn’t thrown my life into a tailspin is the absolute last thing I want. “Of course.” I plaster on a smile as I lean back toward the stone wall for the mini photo shoot.

* * *

Petra is chatting up the bouncer outside the bar when we arrive, her curly black hair hanging in big ringlets down the middle of her back. She has her arms wrapped around herself like her cropped leather jacket isn’t keeping her warm, but I’m not fooled for a second. That girl has an amazing rack and she’s totally showing it off for the beefcake in front of her, even though he’s younger than my baby brother. She’s shameless and I love that about her.

When we sidle up next to her, she throws her arms around me. “It’s been forever!” she says as she squeezes me in one of her trademark hugs, tight arms holding me to her.

“I missed you too,Zaichik.” I use her childhood nickname, meaning Bunny in Russian, that she’d told me about when we raced together years ago. Despite competing against each other, her for Austria and me for the US, we’d become good friends. The World Cup circuit was like that—you spent so much time with the women you competed with. Battle lines were drawn for sure, but fast friendships were also formed. And one thing about Petra hasn’t changed, she is stunning. Flawless porcelain skin, unbelievable hair, and a body perfectly proportioned for modeling. Which is, in fact, what had originally brought her to the US after she stopped racing years ago. But the modeling industry turned out to be a cesspool and she wanted nothing to do with that, so she got into event planning in New York City. After coming out to Park City for the Sundance Film Festival, she fell in love with the town, started her own event planning company, and stayed.

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