Page 58 of On the Edge

“And never once in the years since did you think to tell me?” I ask as I gaze out at the nearly empty highway in front of us. We have a long drive to Blackstone, and plenty of time to hash this out before we get home to face my mom.

“What good would it have done? You were doing so well. You finished your doctorate, got your dream job. You and Marco ... why would I say something that might derail your career and your love life? All for what? If Nate wasn’t coming back, why would I say something?”

“Were you afraid that if you said something you might give me false hope? Did you think I was secretly waiting for him to return?”

“Actually, no. You were so adamant about being better off without him, and things were going so well for you. Ididthink he’d come back to you, but as the years passed I figured I was wrong about that. And I couldn’t imagine that you might want him back after everything. Was I wrong?”

My throat tightens as Dad asks the million dollar question.“I don’t know, Dad. Maybe?”

“So you were hiding your true feelings and pretending like you were glad he was gone?”

“Yeah,” I say, my voice small. “I was so hurt that he left, and betrayed that he never came back. It was easier to hide that rather than to expose it and become the girl everyone pitied.”

“But ...” my dad says.

“But he did come back,” I fill in. “Only I didn’t know that. I don’t know what would have happened if you’d told me about the conversation you two had. Maybe I would have waited around for him. More likely, I would have gone after him, figured out where he was and tried to work things out. Either way,knowingthat he didn’t throw away our relationship without any clear reason would have made a world of difference.”

For a few miles Dad doesn’t say anything. I stare out the window as the city turns to suburbs.

“I’ve always tried to do what was best for you,” he says finally.

I think of all the sacrifices he’s made to make sure I could race, including the years where he spent half the year in Europe with me, away from my mom and brother. “I know you have, Dad.”

“I’m sorry if this was the wrong decision on my part. But also, you can’t hide your true feelings and then be mad that I acted based on what you were telling me. If I’d have known how you really felt, I probably would have made a different decision.”

“Fair point,” I tell him. And my conscience nags at me about Marco, and the fact that I’m still lying to him about that. But that’s not my secret to tell, and it’ll be over soon enough anyway. I just have to get that job at Danforth.

“I have an interview on Wednesday morning,” I tell my dad. I share the details that Annie has given me, and how hopeful I am that this might work out.

“Why in the world would you give up your current job to move to New Hampshire?” he asks when I’m done talking. From the tone of his voice and the way he glances over at me, I can tell this isn’t a rhetorical question. He really doesn’t get it.

I roll my eyes and his return to the road. “Dad, Danforth has a nationally ranked D1 ski racing program. It’s a well-known and well-respected school, and this job is technically a promotion.”

“So you’re not leaving your life behind just to be closer to home because of what’s happening with your mom?” The doubt in his voice comes through crystal clear.

“Part of this, of course, is because of Mom. I want to be there for her through whatever comes next. And part of it is that I’ve been on the World Cup circuit for so long that the travel is getting old. I’m ready tonotbe on the road two hundred-plus days a year. And being closer to Blackstone is a big plus too. I know the mountain has been struggling for a while. I want to do what I can to help.”

“You’re sure this isn’t because of Nate?” His question detonates like he intended.

“I’m not going to lie and say that the idea of not working with him wasn’t part of the initial appeal. But now, I don’t know. I feel like we’re in a better place now that we’ve been honest with each other about why he left and how it affected me.”

Dad pauses, and I can practically see him thinking, choosing his words carefully. “Just, please make this decision independently of Nate.”

“Okay?” I say, not really sure what he means.

“I just want to make sure that you make this choice based on what’s best for you, not because you’re running away from Nate.”

I cough out a laugh. “I’m not running away from Nate.”

You totally are, my conscience reminds me.

“Okay, because there’s a good chance you could still see him if you move back.”

“Because his dad still has the place they bought up at Blackstone? That’s fine.” I shrug.

My dad opens his mouth to say something in response, but then closes it.

“What is it?”

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