Page 94 of On the Edge

Are you for fucking real, Sierra? Jackson left ME, not the other way around. She left me in Big Sky after telling me that she didn’t want me to go back to Park City to be there with her when she talked to TJ about what had happened. And right before she left, I saw a notification on her phone from Annie Dilmont at Danforth setting up an interview. So not only did she leave me, she lied to me for weeks not telling me she was applying for a job at Danforth. And after she left, she never called or texted. Not to tell me she got home safely, or to tell me about her conversation with TJ—which she said she’d do—or to come clean about Danforth. I had to find out she resigned her position from Matt. It’s been two weeks and she STILL hasn’t called or texted. Not for Christmas, or to tell me what she’s doing. She’s made it abundantly clear that this whole relationship is as one-sided as it ever was and that she still doesn’t know how to be honest with me. So yeah, I’m done. But not because that’s what I wanted. Because that’s what SHE wanted. And Jackson always gets her way.

The line goes dead there, and my head is spinning so fast that I have to grip the edges of the soapstone countertops to hold myself steady.

What. The. Hell?

I think through everything that happened, trying to see it from his point of view. And I can see what he’s saying about me leaving him in Big Sky. It’s like my mom suggested. Though, in the voice mail he did omit the fact that he left and went to Europe. That’s probably what that call from Matt was about, right as I was leaving Big Sky. Maybe Matt insisted he get his ass back to Europe or lose his spot on the team? Maybe he was going to tell me as soon as I called him, but then I never did? And dammit, that email notification. Why did he have to see it? Why didn’t I tell him sooner ... any of the times that I thought about telling him. If I had, it might have made a huge difference.

Shit.

Double shit.

I have screwed this up beyond belief, but hopefully not beyond repair.

I grab my phone off the counter and head back to my bedroom. There’s one thing I have been putting off, and I think I need to do it before I can figure out what steps I need to take to fix the mess I’ve created.

In my bedroom, I pull the small box with Ms. Juarez’s belongings out from under the desk that sits at the end of my bunk beds. I carefully open it, knowing the letter from her will be right on top, exactly where I left it before I packed up my car in Park City to head back here to my parents’ home. I know that Ms. Juarez wouldn’t have left this world without leaving me some parting advice. I wasn’t ready to read it then, but I am now.

Dear Jackson,

Your entire life, people will judge you. They’ll be happy for your successes, or they’ll be jealous about them. They’ll be supportive when you fail, or they’ll be critical of you. But no matter what, good or bad, there will be judgment.

Your job is to surround yourself with the people who will build you up, the people who will be there for you in the good times and the bad. Andthatwill involve risking your heart, because loving people is a risk. It’s a risk I never took after Jack hurt me, and that’s my life’s biggest regret—that I let getting hurt stop me from loving again.

Without love, there’s little purpose to life. Trust me.

So I’m giving you one job, for the rest of your life—trust in love. Know that you’ll get hurt along the way, because pain is an inevitable part of living and loving. But trust that the pain will be worth it, because love is worth it. Without it—no matter what else you accomplish—life is only a hollow shell of what it could be.

M. J.

I read the letter through two more times, and each reading gives me more insight into what I’ve done. When I saw those photos, my immediate reaction was about the fear of people judging me. I knew I would probably lose my job, but even more than that, I was embarrassed and ashamed that those photos were out there, and afraid that they’d be posted online.

Nate knew that. He knew how I was feeling and he sprang into action doing the one thing that he thought he could do to help—tracking down who sent those photos. I’m not sure if knowing where they came from would have helped, but his first inclination was action, trying to protect me from further hurt. How did I not see that sooner?

Your job is to surround yourself with the people who will build you up. The people who will be there for you in the good times and the bad.

That’s what I’ve done. I’ve surrounded myself with the family I’ve chosen—Sierra, Petra, Lauren, and Marco—people who will support me no matter what. But the one thing that was missing was love. Someone to love me through the good times and the bad. And that’s what Nate has always done. It’s what he was still doing in Big Sky. During the bad times, he was still trying to help support me in the one way he knew how—solving the problem. The fact that what I really needed was his arms around me, comforting me—that’s on me for not just telling him that. For not asking him to stop what he was doing and support me in the way I needed him to.

And instead of staying with Nate, or bringing him back to Park City with me, letting us draw on each other’s strength and love ... I left him. I was so afraid of what others would think of our relationship that I didn’t stop to consider that maybe it only matters what Nate and I think. I did what was easiest. I ran back to Park City.

How will he ever forgive me for this? From his voice mail to Sierra, I can’t tell if he will. He said he was done. I’m so tempted to take that at face value and retreat back into the fortress I built around myself after my accident. Building those walls back up would be easy, and might insulate me from further heartache. But then I glance at Ms. Juarez’s letter again.

Without love, there is little purpose to life.

If I walk away now, will I spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I’d stayed and fought for us, for what we could be? I think back to what Nate said to me in Italy, the morning after we’d had sex again for the first time.I want what we had, but better. I want the evolution of the life we planned together.

I know with absolute certainty—I want that too. But how can I make him believe that I’m in this for forever?

And then the answer is there, so obvious that I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. There’s one thing Nate has always wanted that I’ve never been willing to give him. Until now.

I dial Sierra’s number. “I need your help,” I say when she answers the phone. “What are the chances that if I bought you a plane ticket, you’d come out tomorrow?”

“I can do that,” she says. “I’ve got the next few days off for New Year’s and the weekend. Peter’s traveling right now and he’s not going to be back for New Year’s Eve anyway.” Her voice is sad, and I want to talk about that, but it’ll have to wait until she’s here.

“Good, because you and I have New Year’s plans. I’ll send you a plane ticket and a list of some things I need you to bring.”

“Is this about Nate?”

“Is anything not? Everything I’ve done, or not done, for the last five years has been about him. And I need to finally make this right.”

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