Page 73 of One Last Shot

“Some are.” She shrugs. “But like most women, hockey players come in all shapes and sizes. The important thing is how agile you are on skates, how much stamina you have, and that you’re not afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” I ask.

“Anything. The puck, the other players, getting knocked on your”—her eyes track to Stella—“butt.”

I’d say Avery’s body is average. She’s probably five foot six and one hundred and thirty pounds, with smaller breasts and a slim waist. She does seem athletic, but the thought of her being checked up against the boards or knocked over on the ice is alarming.

“Do you still play?” I ask.

“No, but I teach a learn to skate hockey program specifically for girls on Sunday mornings.”

“Really?” Stella says, taking her eyes off the game for the first time since it came on. “I want to take lessons with you!”

“Don’t you already know how to skate?” I ask her. I’ve seen figure skates in her closet.

“Yeah, but only with those white skates for girls. I want to learn how to be fast on hockey skates. I want to skate likeDyadya.”

Emily and Avery look at me, and I mouthUncleso they know she’s talking about Aleksandr.

“I want to surprise him,” Stella adds. “Petra, will you help me surprise him?”

I want so badly to sayyes. To tell her we’ll set up times for her to have lessons with Avery while her uncle is out of town, so that when his season is over, she can surprise him with her new skating abilities. I want to take her to buy new skates, be there for her lessons, see the surprise on Sasha’s face when he sees her in hockey skates. But I can’t.

“I wish I could, honey. But you know I’m leaving in a couple days, right?”

The hopeful look on her face falls, and it’s replaced by a look that tells me I’ve just crushed her hopes and dreams. It about breaks my cold, dead heart because it’s real and raw and I hate disappointing her like this.

“But,” I continue, “how about I take you to buy a pair of skates after school tomorrow, and I’ll set it up with Raina so she can take you to some lessons with Avery. Then maybe we can surprise your uncle when I come back in a few weeks?”

Stella nods her agreement but doesn’t say anything. Then she gets up from her seat next to Emily on the couch and crosses to my chair, curling up in my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck and her head on my chest.

Over her head, I look at Avery. “Can we arrange that?”

“Of course,” she says, but even she looks sad. Emily looks disappointed. I feel like shit. This is officially the worse playoff viewing party ever.

We watch the rest of the first period, and when it ends with New York in the lead by one goal, I take Stella to bed. She’s tired and emotional and gives me a long hug. “I really wish you didn’t have to go,” she says.

I pause for a moment, resisting the urge to give her the reply that I’d normally make in circumstances like these. Instead of telling her I have obligations and explaining how work comes first, I tell her the truth. “I wish I could stay too. But I can’t.”

To her credit, she doesn’t beg me to stay or even ask why. She accepts my leaving as inevitable, which only makes me feel that much worse. I promised myself I wasn’t going to let her get too close because I didn’t want to hurt her by leaving. I didn’t want her to have to experience losing another person she cared about. And I’ve failed at that too.

When I return to the living room, Emily has taken her hair out of the braids and she and Avery have their heads together looking at Avery’s phone. I love seeing them getting to know each other because I love connecting people like this, building a web of friends. And that’s what this would be, if I were staying in New York.

If someone had asked me a few months ago what “having it all” meant to me, I’d have described my life: a wonderful group of best friends, a successful business I’d built myself, and a contract to host a show that was about to begin filming. Now, standing in this sitting room, I feel like “having it all” could look very different: married to Sasha, adopting Stella, building a new group of friends here, moving my business back to New York.

No, this isn’t the life you’ve chosen. You’re already too far down the first path, backtracking would be ridiculous. You don’t want to be married. You don’t want kids. And you’re about to become a household name when your show airs. You’ve built the life you wanted, now it’s time to enjoy it.

“This is when he surprised me with a trip to St. Thomas at Christmas. It’s when I knew for sure that he felt the same way I did.” The look on her face is so tender, so full of love, that it makes my heart hurt. I remember what it was like to feel that way, but it only ever led to heartbreak and humiliation for me.

The life you’ve built is so much better than what any man could offer you,I remind myself.

Emily’s smile is huge and genuine when she tells Avery, “You two are very cute together.”

“I’m still kind of pinching myself that it’s all real. I mean, initially I thought he was a total asshole.”

Ah, the allure of the asshole. I know that well. Hopefully, Tom turns out to truly be a good person, unlike my last boyfriend.

Avery looks at me as I sit near them. “Oh no, what’s that look?” she asks.

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