Page 97 of One Last Shot

“No. Raina knows I’m here, but I don’t want Stella to get any ideas, or be upset that I didn’t bring her too.”

“What kind of ideas?” I ask.

“The forever kind.” He pauses and takes a long gulp of the enormous smoothie he’s drinking. “We had a long talk your last night in New York, when I took her to the park for ice cream.”

“Oh yeah?” I hold my breath, hoping he’ll say more.

“Yeah. She ...” He pauses again. “She had certain ideas about you staying in New York.”

“What kind of ideas?” I ask again, and take a bite of my bagel to distract from the way my heart is racing and my stomach is flipping over. This feels like the relationship talk I didn’t want to have. But Stellaisan important piece of our relationship, and I have to think of her too. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get too close to her so that I didn’t hurt her in the end when I left. My leaving was inevitable, but I’m still here, holding on even when I probably should have let go already.

This is the first time you’ve ever wanted to hold on, I remind myself. But like I told Aleksandr last night, I’ve spent years walking away to protect myself. And now suddenly this isn’t only about me. I have to do what I can to protect Stella from getting hurt too.

“You’re not ready for this conversation,” he says and gets up, turning his back to me. I watch him select a glass from the open shelving on the kitchen wall and walk over to the refrigerator, where he stands at the door, filling the glass at the water dispenser. I hold my tongue, waiting for him to say more. He returns to the table without another word, but his disappointment is written across his face.

“Sasha.” I wait for him to look up at me. “What did she say?”

His eyes bore holes into my face in a way that makes me feel like he’s trying to determine whether I’m worthy of knowing this private piece of info about Stella. By the look on his face, I know what he’s going to say before he says it, but I need to hear it just the same.

“She—” He stops and takes a breath. “She wants you to be her mom.”

My eyes widen, but my vocal cords are paralyzed. Motherhood, my greatest fear and my most secret desire, wrapped into one. I’d set up my “no attachments life” so that a situation like this never happened. And yet something has shifted since Aleksandr walked back into my life with Stella in tow.

My feelings for him are entirely separate from her. I’d love him with or without her. I never really stopped loving him, I suppose, despite how badly he hurt me. That’s the funny thing about love, I guess—it doesn’t always make sense.

But Stella. I’d do just about anything to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again. And is my relationship with Sasha more likely to hurt than help her? What if we try this relationship out, what if we tell her about it, and then things don’t work out between us? She would be absolutely crushed.

I realized I’ve spent too much time in my head when Aleksandr looks out the window to try to hide the disappointment in his eyes.

“Hey,” I say as I reach across the small table and take his hand. He looks up, startled. “I’m just taking this all in. I’m not running away, okay?”

He nods. “I didn’t want to spring this on you.”

“It’s not exactly a surprise.” I give him a small smile. “I love the hell out of that kid, and it’s not like I don’t know she feels the same way. I’m just so afraid that us—our relationship—could hurt her in the end.”

“Only if we let it,” he says.

“There are no guarantees,” I say sadly. I’ve had too many relationships, including one with him, not work out.

“Sure there are.” He shrugs and squeezes my hand. “Petra, we’re legally married. If we choose to honor that, we’re committing ourselves to each other and to Stella. That’s as close to a guarantee as you can get.”

My heartbeat is pounding in my throat, making it hard to swallow. “Sasha, what are you saying?”

“Why not try to make this marriage work?”

The question is asked so casually I’m actually taken aback. “Well, that’s a casual proposal if I’ve ever heard one,” I tease.

“I’m serious,” he says as his thumb strokes the back of my hand. “And I’m being pragmatic. There is no one else I’veeverwanted to spend every minute with. There’s no one else my body has craved the way it craves yours. We are so good together, Petra. And you and Stella have this special bond too. I’m so cautious with her, maybe too cautious. Very few people in my life even know I’m her guardian. I don’t want to put her in the spotlight. I want to do everything I can to protect her. And I know you feel the same way, about her at least.”

Does he not know if I feel the same way about him?

“Sasha, even though I feel the same way about you and even though I adore Stella, right now I am married to my job.”

“So am I. Our relationship may not look like anyone else’s, but with a little give-and-take from both of us, we can make this work.”

I kind of feel like he’s talking about forever, as if it’s a business transaction with some feelings involved. Is that what it is? Maybe the reason I’ve gotten hurt in the past is that I let the feelings lead? Maybe it does make more sense to approach this like balancing a math equation?

What he’s saying right now makes a lot of sense from a logical standpoint. Wearegood together. We enjoy each other’s company and we have a serious sexual connection. We both adore Stella and want what’s best for her. But is that the foundation of a good marriage?

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