Page 80 of Cross-Checked

“Are you sleeping with her?” he asks, and my stomach twists.

“I’m not going to answer that.”

“But you’re falling for her?”

I lick my lips as I try to think of how to explain it. “When you and Marissa were first together, what did it feel like?”

He tilts his head as he assesses me, and I know he wasn’t expecting me to compare my feelings for AJ to his for his wife.“Like I wanted to be with her every second of every day. She was oxygen and I needed her to breathe. Gotta be honest, still feels like that.”

“All these years later?”

I don’t know if the thought of always feeling this addicted to AJ is appealing, or fucking terrifying. All I know is that it doesn't matter, because there's no way I want to live without her in my life.

“Yeah,” Walsh says. “Even after all these years. I think that's how you know you have a good thing, because even though life changes, you still love being with that person.”

“I think...” I press my eyes closed, before admitting, “...I think AJ is my person.”

Walsh scoffs. “I never, not in a million years, thought I wouldeverhear you say that.”

Our eyes lock, and we both laugh, because there’s no getting around it. She and I are quite possibly the world's most unlikely pairing. And yet somehow, it just works.

“So what are you going to do about it?” Walsh asks, eyebrows pinching.

I pause, thinking about what my options are. “I don't know. Everything feels so uncertain at the moment. Like, I don't even know if she's going to renew my contract.”

“You guys haven't talked about that?” Walsh asks.

“That would be unethical. Not only because she's not supposed to talk to me about stuff like that without my agent present, but also because I'm not using this relationship as a bargaining chip. I want to stay in Boston,” I tell him, wondering exactly when that changed, and realizing that I need to have a conversation with my sister about that. And I should probably let my agent know. “But ultimately, it isn't up to me.”

“I’m not sure how the guys are going to take this news. Are you planning on telling people?

“I don't know,” I say. “I have to talk to AJ about it. I don't even...I don't even know for sure that she feels the same way.”

“Shiiiiiit.” Walsh grinds out the word. “You're talking to me about it and you haven't even talked to her?”

“Oh, she knows how I feel. But every time I try to talk to her about where this is going, she shuts the conversation down. She's convinced that there's no way this can work.”

“And you're convinced there's a way itwillwork?” The doubt in his voice says a lot.

“It can’t work the way that it is right now, with us sneaking around all the time. But also, I can't imagine a situation in which itdoesn’twork out in the end. So we have to find a way.”

“And what does that way look like?” Walsh asks, sounding more curious than doubtful this time.

“I still have no fucking idea.”

“You guys have to figure this out before everyone else sees what’s going on here. You’re lucky it was me you ran into in the hallway, and not someone with a bigger mouth.”

“I know,” I tell him, pressing my lips together. “And I appreciate your discretion while we figure this out.”

“Are you prepared for . . .”

“Spit it out,” I say when he trails off.

“Are you prepared for the reality that she might not want to go down the same path you want to go down?”

“I don't know,” I tell him, trying to imagine how I would feel if AJ doesn't want this. A wave of nausea rolls through me.

“This is a dangerous game, and she’s the one who stands to lose the most in this situation. You need toseriouslyconsider whether this is worth it. Because if you get in any deeper and she isn't in it with you...dude, you’re going to be wrecked. You're already so fucking far gone over her,” he says, a breath whooshing out of him. “And as much as I like her, I don't want to see her ruin you over this.”

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