Page 81 of Cross-Checked

I huff out a laugh, but we can both tell how fake it is. Because he's right. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to be a fucking mess.

Is pursuing a trade actually the smartest option? Maybe she's right, and this can't work out while I play for the team she manages. Maybe the only way I can have her is if I don’t play for the Rebels. But how would it possibly work out if I lived halfway across the country?

I’m starting to see why she thinks our situation is hopeless.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

AJ

“Are you positive you're okay?" Lauren asks.

I glance over to her from where I've been staring out the wall of windows along one side of my office, overlooking the practice rink. Below us, the players are on the ice, getting ready for tomorrow night's game when Philly comes to Boston.

I've been so focused on McCabe that I've literally lost track of our conversation. I’m too busy worrying about how he’s dealing with me walking out yesterday, and not responding to his text last night asking if we could talk.

As I watch this practice, it’s clear that something’s off with him. And the way Charlie’s arms are flying and his mouth doesn’t stop moving while McCabe stands there hanging his head, I’m worried about whether it will affect his game, too.

“Yeah,” I say with a small laugh and a shake of my head. “I guess I'm just thinking about our next game.”

Lauren eyes me skeptically, like she knows I'm not telling her the truth. “What's really going on, AJ? You're not yourself.”

Shit.And here I thought I was doing such a good job hiding my feelings, but I guess I'm not. “Nothing's wrong.”

“You're never distracted like this,” she says. “You’ve had this vacant look on your face half the time we’ve been chatting. Like, you're physically here, but your mind is elsewhere.”

Laughing to myself, I’m thankful I'm able to hold it in because, yeah, my mind is certainly elsewhere. Mainly thinking about all the ways in which I've probably already screwed up this thing with McCabe.

Yesterday morning, I rushed out of his condo because I was overcome with emotion. The way he was looking at me while I sat on the floor playing with Abby, and the way my heart ached for a life I once thought I could have—a life full of children, a loving husband, and something to fulfill me besides my work.

It was just too much, because that's no longer my reality.

Sitting there on that floor, though, with Abby on one side of me and McCabe on the other, I had this moment when I wondered if that life was still a possibility. If maybe I was being given some sort of a second chance? A do-over?

But I needed space so I could figure out if the complexity of our situation is too much of an obstacle to overcome.

“AJ.” My name is a sharp reprimand coming off Lauren’s lips. “You're scaring me right now.”

It's only then that I realize I haven't even responded to her. “I’m sorry. I really am just lost in my head.”

“Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?” she asks.

God, do I want to talk about it.

And while I know that I could tell Nicholas and my secret would be safe with him, I also know that the advice he would give me might not be as right for me as the advice Lauren could give. As an employee here, she will understand the nuances of this situation more than Nicholas would. As a woman who decided to take a second chance on love after roiling from the turmoil of betrayal, she’ll understand why I’m so hesitant to believe that this could work.

“Idowant to talk about it,” I say with a sigh. “But the problem is, Lauren, I can’t.”

“Why not?” Her eyebrows dip with confusion and concern. “Is it too personal to share?”

I take in the way she looks a tiny bit hurt at that idea. Like she thought we were close enough that I would confide in her, but is now realizing we're not. And I don't want her to feel that way, because that isn't accurate. She knows all about my struggles with infertility, Chet cheating on me, and our divorce. She knows how distant I keep myself from men now, so that I can never be hurt like that again. She’s the best friend I have, and I trust her implicitly.

“No,” I tell her, “it's not that. It...it has to do with work and it's highly confidential.”

“Well, if you change your mind, I'm happy to keep your secret. I think you know you can rely on me not to say anything to anyone. Especially not here at work.”

I think about how I once offered to bury a body for her, and I’m sure she’d do the same for me. If I can't even talk toherabout this, how could I ever go public with our relationship?

The reason I'm so fucking conflicted is that yesterday, after I woke up from some of the best sex of my life and I sat playing with Abby on the floor, McCabe came in with his hair all disheveled from sleep and that dreamy look on his face as he stood there in nothing but his grey sweats...looking at me like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

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