Page 82 of Cross-Checked

I've never wanted anything more in my entire life.

A man who listens to and respects me, who delivers orgasm after fucking orgasm, who takes care of me when I’m hurt, who has a child I adore, who’s life I fit into so easily and naturally that it’s hard to picture myself walking away.

I don’t want to walk away.

“Do you swear you can keep this secret, Lauren? Because it’s a big one.”

Her eyes widen, like she really didn’t think I was going to confide in her.

“Yeah, of course,” she rushes out, a small smile playing on her lips. “I can keep your secret.”

“Okay, so here's what's going on . . .”

Ten minutes later, I'm trying my best to hold back the tears and she's sitting next to me, clasping my hand and looking at me like she doesn't even know me.

“AJ, youreallyhave feelings for him, don't you?”

“Yeah.” The word is an admission that comes out with a laugh. Because this is the most unlikely thing that ever could have happened.

“Why is there even a question in your mind, then?” Lauren asks.

“Because how could iteverwork out? How could I ever be with him when he works for me? How could I ever be with him without ruining everything I've built for myself? You have to admit, I’ll become a laughingstock as a GM if I'm dating one of my players.”

“Will you?” she asks as she pushes her red hair behind one shoulder. “Or are you justworriedthat you will?”

My eyes narrow. “I’m worried because Iknowit will happen.”

She just gives me a small smile and questions me once more. “Do you?”

“Lauren, what do you think is going to happen? You think I'm just going to tell the world that I'm dating our team captain, and everyone's going to be like, ‘Cool, cool. Yeah, that seems appropriate?’ I've spent my whole life carving space in this sport for women. I've made this team into what it is, staked my reputation on honesty and transparency, and I've neveronce eventhoughtabout crossing any kind of a professional boundary. I've made sure that I've brought on players who are not just excellent at their sport but are also good people, because I never want to work with an asshole like Chet again.”

“So you're telling me, that even though you've doneeverythingyou possibly could to prevent yourself from having feelings for one of your players, McCabe still managed to sneak right past all of your defenses and make you fall for him?”

“Yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying.”

“And you're telling me,” she says, looking at me pointedly, “that you don't know ifthat’sworth fighting for? This person who knows you, who you've confided in, who's obsessed with you and has told you he wants more than just sex, and you don't thinkthat'sworth fighting for?” The pitch of her voice raises with each question. When she puts it like that, it does sound like maybe I’m focusing more on the obstacles than the possibility, and perhaps I'm not trying hard enough to find a solution.

“I just don't see any way it can work out...”

“No, you don't see any way it can work out without some discomfort. But is that really the worst thing? So people talk. So people question whether it's appropriate. If you know in your heart of hearts that this is good and right, why does any of that matter?”

“I never wanted to be a public figure,” I say with a little laugh.

Lauren gives me a smile. “Perils of breaking the glass ceiling, I guess.”

“Mmhmm. I just never envisioned a downside to this work. Hockey has always been the singular focus of my life,” I tell her. “And I love that Frank gave me a chance in this organization. And I love that the team has stood behind me every step of the way. And the thought of anything that I've built here being called into question, of my ethics being called into question.” I have tostop because my throat is thick, and the tears are threatening to fall.

“Yeah,” Lauren says, squeezing my hand. “People might call your ethics into question. But you know that there's nothing to question. And I know it, and Frank will know it, and every single person in this organization will know it. And isn't that what really matters?”

I think about what she's saying and realize that there's a lot of wisdom there. It’s exactly what McCabe has been saying. His words from our conversation in the car in Philly keep going through my head.I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, AJ. And the sooner you can let go of maintaining this perfect image, the sooner we can stop sneaking around.

“I guess I can kiss that GM of the Year Award goodbye,” I say with a watery laugh. I don’t know why I’m crying. I resigned myself years ago to the fact that I was never going to get that award, but with this year’s nomination, it felt so close...so possible.

“Maybe,” Lauren says, “but maybe not. You never know, AJ. People might surprise you.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat, wishing that we lived in a world where there was any chance of that happening. “Yeah,” I sigh. “I don't think that will be the case.”

But when I really stop and think about it, does it even matter? So I don't get this award. I’ve never been the kind of person who needed an award to tell me I’d done a good job. The satisfaction is always in the work itself, in winning on the ice. Does not getting an award negate any of the success I've had here?

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