Page 83 of Cross-Checked

In the end, what's going to be more fulfilling? Twenty years from now, am I going to say to myself,Thank God I gave up on that relationship,but at least I got that award?

“I think you know what you need to do,” Lauren tells me.

“Yeah.” I nod, taking a deep breath. “But I don't even know where to start.”

“Might I suggest that you start by talking to Frank?”

“The thought of telling my boss that I'm sleeping with one of my players has me about to throw up.”

“Maybe it's time you stop letting fear rule your decision making.”

I chuckle at her kind critique and how she winces slightly as she says it.

“Yeah, maybe. But first, I think I need to talk to McCabe. If this were any other new relationship, we wouldn’t need to go public about it like this. I hate that we can’t keep this private and see where it goes.”

“AJ, if this were any other relationship, there’d be no reason to keep it private. The only reason you’re scared for people to find out is because he works for you.”

“And because I’m terrified by how quickly and completely I’m falling for him. This is all happening so fast.”

She gives my hand one last supportive squeeze, like she’s trying to tell me she believes I can do this. “Fast doesn’t mean bad. Let me know how it goes with both those conversations.” As she stands, she turns back to me. “Oh, what are you doing tomorrow night? Paige is finally home from her last business trip, and we’re going to go out for dinner. Morgan might come too. You want to join us?”

“I’d love to,” I tell her. I could really use more girl-time in my life, and I haven’t seen Lauren’s sister, Paige, in months. She’s a business consultant who travels all the time for work, but we have a ton in common and I really like her. “But I already told Nicholas he could come over for dinner.”

I’m always happy to see my brother, but I feel a pang of regret that I can’t take her up on her offer. In my entire adult life, Idon’t think I’ve ever had girlfriends I could trust and talk to until now.

Part of that is my fault. My move back to St. Louis after college, dating Chet, and ultimately getting my first job in the NHL—in those years I was either surrounded by the backstabbing social elite I’d grown up with, or hockey men.

When I moved to Boston, I was so focused on my career that I didn’t make time for friendships, or any kind of non-business relationships. I was too busy making sure my brother was adjusting to boarding school but still knowing that I was here for him, and rebuilding this team into what it is today.

Immersing myself into work was the easiest way to avoid thinking about how shitty my parents and my marriage both were. Instead, I’d focused my attention on the fact that I had broken Nicholas and myself free of their toxic generational cycles. And I’d relished those victories so much that I’d inadvertently made work my entire personality.

But the way Lauren has worked to fold me into her friend group over the last year and hasn’t given up on me even when I’m always working or traveling; the way she knows that female friendships are hard for me, but doesn’t let me pull away; the way she shows up for me, like I showed up for her a year ago when she discovered her late husband had a whole separate life she didn’t know about—it makes me realize that maybe work isn’t “enough.”

Maybe my life would be far more fulfilling if I focused more energy on relationships outside of work.

“You’re cooking?” she asks, like it’s the most preposterous thing possible, more so even than me being in a relationship with McCabe.

“He’s cooking, just at my place.”

“Okay, well, tell him and Nicole I said ‘hi.’ And if anything changes, please come out with us.”

“I will. But if not this time, next time, for sure.”

Chapter Thirty

AJ

I’m standing outside the locker room after practice, chatting with one of the equipment managers, Tim, when players start filing out. I’m not sure what’s going on—they’re not chatting with each other; everyone has their heads down like they’re trying to mind their own business. The vibe feels off, and I don’t like it.

I’m trying to pay attention to what Tim is saying about the new supplier for next year’s jerseys, but I’m highly distracted by whatever just went down in that locker room.

“That sounds great,” I say to Tim, not even entirely sure what he just said.

“Perfect, I’ll drop a sample by your office tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” I tell him, right as McCabe walks through the door, his bright eyes locking onto mine as he looks at me with such naked longing it’s impossible to miss.

I clear my throat and he looks away, thankfully before Tim notices him staring. “Hey, McCabe,” I call out. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

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