Page 51 of Carter

But I was too sympathetic to his emotions. He meant so much to me, I couldn’t push him away or ask for space. I washungry for him, remember? I was taking him however way he was willing to give me, no matter how little it was. He was my addiction, and I could endure a few rough moments.

When his lips touched my cheek, I smelled the toothpaste in his mouth and felt his wet hair brush against me. He’d showered. It must have been four in the morning, and he’d likely been up most of the night.

I turned my face to him, and he kissed my mouth, slowly and softly. It felt different than other times, like he truly needed my touch. I turned my body to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, and he moved over top of me. His kiss turned deep, hungrier. His tongue swirled along mine, and then he was sucking my lips, making soft sounds at the back of his throat that made my blood run quicker.

Needily, he stripped me and took his briefs off. He was hard and ready and desperately moving in between my legs as he kissed me harder.

“Please, let me,” he whispered against my mouth.

I nodded, lost to him. “Of course.”

He swiftly thrust into me, gripping my thigh tightly with one hand. He groaned so loud, I felt the sound vibrate through him and into me. He paused, resting his forehead against mine as he panted against my lips. I held him to me hard and lifted my hips against him, encouraging him to take me.

He did. Slowly and tenderly, with his other hand wrapped around my hair. It didn’t last long. We lost ourselves, falling into sync with need. He was trying to forget something, and I was trying to bring him into me. We were taking each other for two completely different reasons, and I didn’t care in that moment.

I just wanted to pretend it was something more.

My fingers dug into his back, and I came just as he did, holding him to me tightly as we both rode out a tremendous wave of pleasure.

It died after that, fading into the silence. He didn’t move off me straightaway, but he turned his face away from me, guarding his expression. I felt his heartbeats, hard and fast against my own. I wondered what he wasn’t saying. I was growing tired of not knowing.

Eventually he climbed off me, but he gathered me in his arms and kissed my shoulder. After minutes of silence, he suddenly whispered, “It was my dad that called me.”

“Why?”

“He’s trying to mend things. I told him to fuck off, and he exploded at me, bringing up my mom. Bringing up things that happened when she was alive. Shit like that, and I felt blindsided.” He let out a harsh breath. “I let him get to me.”

I wanted him to continue, but he stopped there.

“I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.” His tone sounded angry, and I instantly knew he was angry at himself. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m such a fuck-up. I’m sorry, Leah.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I can’t afford to fuck this up with you. Sometimes I think all I have is you.” He sighed and squeezed me to him. “Without our friendship, I’d be fucked.”

I exhaled long and slow and shut my eyes.

That dreaded word again.

Friendship.

I wondered how he could say it after what we’d just done. He was delusional. Or maybe I was. Hell, I was too tired to know.

“Well, I’m here,” I managed out, just barely. The words felt dead leaving my mouth, but it was all I could offer him in that moment.

He squeezed me to him again and held me for a little while.

And then he was gone again just as I began to fall back asleep.

Carter

There’s a line, and I wasn’t going to cross it.

If I pushed everyone away, nobody would have the power to ruin me.

Nineteen

Summer of 2008

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