Page 81 of Carter

“He was negotiating the price on your head. Said you were going to be ready for the business, and they were auctioning you off for the next day. Russell warned them you’d be opposed to it, and that you’d be fighting back. He said you needed to be broken through, like he did with Cheryl, and the real twisted part was the men seemed even more eager than before.”

I felt his body tense, and his heartbeat took off against my ear, harder than before. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he continued again.

“Then they started their fucking auction, and one of them won, and it was something fucking stupid, like three hundred bucks forallof you. It was disgusting and I was pissed in a way I’d never felt before. I was tempted to grab my dad’s rifle and shoot them all down. It took everything in me not to. Instead, I followed after thewinner.

“He was making his way down the street when I did it. It’d only just started to rain when I jumped him from behind and dragged him into the bush. He was a big guy, and he was completely surprised. I remember throwing him to the groundand slamming my boot against his face before he grabbed my leg and pulled me down. He fought back, punched me across the face before I rolled him back over and beat him again. He kept telling me to just grab his wallet, thinking I was robbing him or something. I didn’t listen. I fucked him up ‘til he could hardly move, and then I hurried back home and packed a bag. I waited for Russell and Cheryl to pass out. Then I went for you.”

He was shaking. I pulled away and looked up at him. He was devastated telling me this, and I felt completely broken watching him. I couldn’t believe he did that for me. All this time I thought it was his father that drove him out…

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I choked out.

His blue eyes glistened. “How could I tell you something like that, Leah? I didn’t want to make you afraid. I just wanted you to be happy. To not have to worry. To have a fresh start without the fear of some dog turning you into a whore. Truth was, I was terrified Russell would track you down. I sent him a note after we ran away, and I threatened to call the police and tell them everything if he ever showed up around here looking for you. I didn’t think that would keep him away, but it has, and I don’t regret doing any of that.”

It never occurred to me he’d ever go through those extremes to hide something like that from me just to make me happy. I stared at him in bewilderment, wishing he’d let me in on this.

“But your father…” I started and my words trailed off.

He looked away from me and sighed. “My father’s just a drunk, Leah. Nothing more. We’ve had fights, sure. A couple times it got physical, but he’s never instigated it.”

“You hate him.”

“I hate him for what he did to my mom. Their marriage was dysfunctional. That was my shining example of what relationships are like, and I don’t want any part of it. Things can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. And my mom worsenedaround him, and in return it fucked up my childhood. He drove her away and made her do things that…” He paused and shook his head. His eyes went red in recollection. “They destroyed each other. That’s what love does, Leah. It destroys people. Look how far I pushed you.”

“You always made it clear,” I replied quickly. “It wasn’t your fault. It was my own.”

“No, Leah, it wasn’t your fault at all. You were right before. I need you more than you need me. It’s always been that way, since the first time I saw you, sitting on your porch. I saw your blonde hair and it reminded me of my mom, and all I wanted to do was look at your face. When you turned to me and your cheeks went pink, I thought you were beautiful. I’d watch you sometimes. You always stuck out. Always alone, sitting by yourself, doing your own thing. I remember watching you attack Graeme. I’d sort of hoped he would pick on you just so I could come swooping in to save the day. The last thing I expected was for you to jump him like that. It was incredible.

“I miss how we were back then. I miss our innocence. Things were shit, but life was simple, and now those days feel a million miles away and I want that nostalgia back. I need to feel like I deserve sitting next to you. I hurt you. I’vealwayshurt you, and I’m a piece of shit for it.”

“We’re young,” I muttered just then, staring at him closely as his gaze met mine. “We’re stupid… and we’re really wrong for each other.”

His chest gave out beneath me as he exhaled slowly, his eyes glistening. He knew I was right. I was coming to peace with it.

“You’re not where I am yet,” I continued, sniffing. “You’re not ready to open up. I’ve reached the point where I realize I can’t help you. Only you can do that.”

He didn’t say anything. He just listened, and the pain on his face burned me.

“It’s okay,” I said, holding back a cry. “I pushed you. I took you however way you’d give me, and I realize you’ve taken over my entire world. I… I don’t even know who I am.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

I nodded. “One day. So are you. And… maybe one day after you’re gone, we’ll see each other again and on different terms. Maybe… we’ll be able to have a friendship again, and it be just that. Friends. But not now.”

“We can try,” he pressed me, pleadingly. His hand went to my face and his finger skimmed my lip. “I want you with me. I want you to come. I’ll take care of us. I’ll… I’ll do whatever it takes. Just come with me. With the band. It’ll be a new start. And we’ll be friends. True friends, Leah. Please.”

I smiled sadly, and pulled his hand away from my lips, motioning to it. “No, because it would mean you can’t touch me likethat, Carter.”

His jaw tensed and he shook his head in denial. “I can do that. I’ll—”

“We’ve depended on each other in two different ways, and we need to find our own selves,” I told him. “I have a future here, and yours is out there. That’s the way it has to be. That’s the only way it’ll work. Otherwise we’ll ruin all that we are, until there’s nothing left but the bad, and I don’t want that to happen.”

I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. Even closed, they found a way out. I heard his breaths, hard and shaky, and when he grabbed me again, I moved into him, burying my face back into his chest again.

“You’re saying good-bye, aren’t you?” he managed out, devastated. “Fuck, you’re saying we’re done when I go, huh?”

“Just for now.”

“I can’t live without us, Leah.”

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