Page 101 of Leah

“It’s Carter,” said Melanie, pointing to the screen. “You can tell it’s him.”

I couldn’t tell it was him, actually, but I didn’t say that.

As the reporter spoke, the video was being aired in the background. It was too high up to make out anything, and I was on pins and needles waiting for them to identify the man.

Please, God, let it be him.

My phone suddenly rang from the bedroom, but I made no move to answer. It was probably Cheryl wondering where I was. I didn’t care for her shit right now. I needed answers.

“What do I do if he’s dead?” I found myself asking aloud.

Melanie’s head turned to me. “He’s not dead.”

“What if he is? I’m going to regret so much, aren’t I?”

She didn’t respond to that. “Have faith.”

I scoffed. “Don’t give me that, Mel. I’m not buying that Hallmark shit.”

When you’ve grown up in a trailer park filled with drug addicts and pimps, and your aunt, in particular, was a hooker, you learn having faith is nothing but bullshit you feed to privileged kids. Kids who don’t have to go to bed hungry at night. Kids who hide their tooth under their pillow and magically have money there the next morning.

Those are the kids that grow up havingfaith.

“It’s not Hallmark shit,” she replied, shaking her head. “You can’t say that. Look where you are now after what you’ve been through. You’re the epitome of why people should have faith.”

“Where I am now was from the sweat off my own back.”

She sighed, giving up. She might have had a decent argument yesterday, before this shitstorm, but right now I was feeling negative and wound up. I felt like a kid again, devastated and grim. My entire world felt like it was teetering on a knife’s edge.

Ineededhim alive.

Because living my own life was okay, so long as I knew he was living his. I couldn’t adjust to a world that he wasn’t in.

He needed to exist.

It sounded crazy, I know.

But that’s just the way it was.

“Leah, your phone has been ringing non-stop,” Melanie said. “I’m going to get it and you can decide to turn it off or pick up.”

She got up and left, and I continued staring at the television, breathlessly taking in the remnants of the aircraft. It was only a small craft, and I didn’t know if that was worse.

For a moment I tried to imagine what it would have been like onboard that plane as it plummeted into the river. The fear, the shock, the uncertainty. Worst of all, you had zero control of your surroundings. You were literally the product of a disaster that was out of your hands.

Planes always scared me. It was one of the reasons why, when push came to shove, I didn’t travel. To be inside an aluminum shell…

No.

Just… no.

“It’s Rome,” Melanie suddenly said from behind me, her voice wavering.

“Rome?” His name felt so foreign coming out of my mouth.

“Answer it.”

I grabbed the phone from her hand as she sat down next to me, and I stared at the name flashing on the screen.

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