Page 105 of Leah

I’d shed so many tears today, and I knew—deep down—it was time to stop. Tosurrender.

Moving off the bed, I pulled out the shoebox and hastily removed the letters. I tore open the last one he’d sent me and with shaking hands, read it.

Letter number: 4

Attempts at warming your heart with my Carter charm: 4

Success rate: 0

Steam rating per letter: 0/10 (because somehow telling you of all the explicit fantasies I have of you may not be suitable in a love letter)

Lovey-Dovey rating: 10/10 (I’m desperate and pathetic)

I’m not sure if you’re even reading these. I’d be at your door right now if I knew it would work, but everyone’s telling me you’re healing. I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re just distracting yourself from the truth.

What we hadwasreal.

What fucked it up wasme.

I was scared of commitment because I was scared of getting hurt. I witnessed love in the poorest form, but it didn’t matter to me as a boy. I loved my mother, with everything inside of me. Despite her mental illness, I hoped she’d get better, and when life got too hard, she took the easy way out and left behind two broken people.

That was the day I shut down.

Something inside me broke, Leah.

I can’t describe it. I just…switched off, Angel. Every time I got close to loving, I felt panicked because it reminded me of that hurt and I just wanted everything to be easy. Feelings? They were never easy for me.

My father died last week. He had a heart attack, and just thinking about the years we wasted away being angry, I’m sad that we never mended our relationship. We could have, had I not been so miserable and determined to block people out.

It got me thinking of things.

Pain is unavoidable. It comes in many different ways for many different reasons.

I needed you because you helped me forget. Being with you, having you open your body for me the way you did, was the most selfless act anyone has ever done for me. I took you, and each time I did, I grieved my loss and fell more and more in love with you.

And I pissed it away by having cold feet.

I pissed it away by not muttering the three fucking words that I’ve been wanting to mutter since the day I saw you.

I love you.

And I hate that I have to write that down on a piece of paper, but it might get through to you enough to realize I’m certain of what I want.

And I want you. I always will.

Time apart is time wasted.

Now, for the love of God, would you answer me already?

Tear drops fell over his words, and I let out a ragged breath.

I was a fool.

Thirty-Two

Leah

Rome:His arm’s broken. He’s going to stay in the hospital for a couple days while they monitor his concussion and prior loss of vision. All the rest of the damage is minimal.

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