Page 58 of Leah

Feeling weak, I opened up my internet browser on my phone and looked up the music video Carter had been telling me about last night, of him in the café singing to the girl he said looked like me. I nervously chewed on my nail as I played the song, and I felt overwhelmed the second the girl’s face appeared with her dirty blonde hair and brown eyes.

I couldn’t fight the timid smile on my face as I looked at it from a different perspective than I did the first time I watched it. I was no longer hoping she’d fall headfirst into a pit of fire as she danced around Carter.

The video itself was intriguing.

He treated her like a yo-yo, pushing her away one second, and bringing her back into his arms the next.

It was a classic re-enactment of us.

How had I not noticed this before?

You’re a numbers kind of girl, not the artsy type.

Oh, so I was an idiot, pretty much.

When the song ended, I played it on repeat and nibbled on my deli sandwich. Soon, I wasn’t just focused on his beauty. He looked so gorgeous on camera, but I was seeing past that right now.

He sang, and there was…sorrow in his gaze at times. He wasn’t performing for the camera either. This was a look I’d seen in him. He had lost himself in the words and the wall had fallen, and there he was, my Carter, looking vulnerable.

Then he’d stare into the camera, and he’d sing into it, that gaze filled with a longing that pierced through my chest—

It was like he was singing to me.

But that was crazy, wasn’t it?

No,I told myself.Because hewantedyou to see it.

The more I watched the video, the more I felt the pressure build behind my eyes. Now I wasn’t eating, wasn’t able to keep anything down, too mesmerized by the re-telling of our relationship.

Even the girl looked broken like I did.

And suddenly, just like that, it all hit me—

The sadness, the pain, the feeling like I was waiting—alwayswaiting for Carter to open up to me.

My pleas, my blinded desire to have him in any way possible, even if it meant we stayed “friends.” The domino effect it had on my life. Watching him retreat into his shell, watching myself transform into this bitter, frightened soul that pushed away love like it was a virus that might turn against me and kill me slowly.

Because it did.

Loving Carter bled me dry.

I hated the way I behaved by the end. I had so many regrets. So many moments I wished I could take back. I had become a stranger inside my own body, a flower that withered instead of bloomed.

Tears slid down my face, and I couldn’t hold back the searing agony I felt for the girl I used to be—for the girl I still evidently was.

I cut the video short and wrote to Melanie:He broke my heart, didn’t he?

Melanie:He ruined you, and we took so long to pick up the pieces.

My heart was hurting so much.

I rubbed at my chest, taking deep breaths as I realized how weak I was for this man.

I’d fallen for his words, for his looks…

I was caught in his web, and he was advancing to me now, a prowling spider dancing with his kill.

If I didn’t leave before he struck, I was doomed.

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