Page 112 of Leah

“I don’t feel like one.”

“Why not?”

He looked back at me. “I live in a colourless world, Leah. I exist every day, and nothing more. I should have died on that plane—”

“But you didn’t,” I cut in. “You’re just hurting.”

“That’s not it.”

“You’re in upheaval, Carter. You’re trying to catch up to what happened.”

“This isn’t some existential crisis; I genuinely lived an empty life.” His eyes looked glossy, loaded with grief. “And I pulled you back to me when I know damn well you’d have continued living your life if that plane had kept going.”

I just stared at him, lost for words while he gritted his teeth and looked away.

So that was part of what was bothering him then.

I continued to watch him as he splayed himself open, the man within finally speaking.

“You’re not obligated to be here,” he whispered next, shaking his head to himself. “If…what we had ended eighteen months ago, Leah, I can endure as I have done every day since I walked out of your life that second time.”

“Do you think I don’t want to be here?” I asked him.

“I think…you’re confused,” he answered, looking at me but not directly into my eyes. “I think you’re going to run back to what you know—”

“You told me we had to give us a chance.”

He gave me a sad smile. “I woke up in a hospital bed and the girl I’ve been in love with my entire life was there.”

I held my breath. “You didn’t mean it?”

He shook his head. “No, Leah, I meant every word.”

“You thinkIdidn’t mean it?”

He let out a shaky breath, tapping the table now as his mind fired away at him, and again, he wasn’t keeping it in. “I want this, Leah, but I don’t want thebeforeto come after us. I want a fresh start.”

I wanted to nod, but my body was frozen still, my emotions held back by that shadow of misery that still haunted me.

He finally looked me in the eye. “I can’t have you leave me. I wouldn’t survive it, Leah.I can’t.”

I didn’t answer.

My head pounded with a thousand thoughts, and yet nothing fit what I wanted to say because I didn’t even know what I wanted to say in that moment.

I didn’t realize I was crying until after he’d stood up and disappeared back into his room.

I only felt the tears when they slid down my heated neck, and then I wrapped my hand around my throat, feeling strangled with emotions that were trying to climb out, and I—

I was still swallowing them down.

Thirty-Five

Leah

We relocated after a few days back to Canada. Rome’s parents found us a quiet little cottage on a beautiful piece of land in the Okanagan region of British Columbia. The views were breathtaking; swallowed by mountains and empty, green land, it felt like we were finally out of the public eye, and that was what Carter needed.

I was going through the motions with him. We’d spoken since our talk, but it was light dialogue. He was still closed down, but I was determined not to be spooked away by it.

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