Page 86 of Leah

“I know that.” He continued looking at me, the heat in his eyes apparent. “I know that completely. Because I’ve done nothing since the moment I saw you but try and win you back. I want to keep fighting. I’d happily stay right here for the next thousand years doing that, but…I keep thinking I’ll just end up pushing you away, and I…I don’t want that, Leah.”

I felt like I’d swallowed a golf ball.

Shit.

“I had you,” he added now, his voice laced with sadness. “I had you last night, in my arms, and I thought—I felt like you were finally mine.”

I blinked back tears, but I was struggling, and I couldn’t speak. My voice had left me, leaving me quivering in the wake of his words as they ruptured that wall within me.

“I’m foolish,” he continued, talking to himself now as he looked down at the counter with a faraway look. “I did this to myself…but you…you could have stopped me, couldn’t you?”

My lips trembled. “I tried to.”

“Doesn’t that show you there’s…more between us, Leah?”

“It’s not easy.”

His nose flared as he looked back at me, that edge returning. “You want me. I know it.”

“I don’t have a heart anymore, Carter—”

“Bullshit,” he cut in, but it wasn’t harsh. “It’s there, I felt it when I fucked you, Leah. I felt it explode along with mine—”

“Carter, stop,” I begged now. “Please.”

His eyes turned dark, the expression he was now giving me filled with hurt and anger. “So, what now then?” he pressed. “You’re going to go back to your life and forget all about the last two days, right? And I’ve been banned. I’m back to being on the outs. Back to being ignored. Did I even exist to you once over the last three years? Was I a fucking thought in your head every once in a while, Leah?”

I frowned. “Of course you were.”

He scoffed, turning against himself now as the pain morphed to anger. “You know, once upon a time, you depreciated me into your roommate. Now, I’d rather have that status than being an invisible person in your life.”

“You’re not going to be invisible. You’ve never been invisible!” I said, loudly, feeling my frustrations rise along with him. “You don’t know what it’s been like having to see you all over the goddamn television, all over the goddamn internet—”

“I’d rather that than be tossed into a fucking box, ignored for three years, without even the shred of decency to read myfucking letters!” he growled, and oh, those words were filled with so much angst. “On this end, Leah, nobody gave me one single update about you! Everybody put me on a guilt trip, and I felt like shit for it. I didn’t know what you even looked like before a few days ago. I had the Leah from three years ago feasting on my brain, taking over every part of me. But you have it worse, apparently, right?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Fuck that. You don’t know worse. You don’t know regret likeIdo, and I felt itevery single daybeing away from you!”

When I didn’t respond, he moved to me slowly, his face hard as he added, “But not this time, Leah. This time you’re going to be the one feeling it. Every day you’re going to deny what your heart wants, andyou’regoing to be the one to suffer.”

I turned away from him and stared numbly at a spot on the wall. “You’re going away, and I’m right here,” I whispered to him, although it felt like I was talking to myself. “Everything will be like it was before.”

“No, it fucking won’t. Not forme. Not foryou.”

He walked past me, escaping to the balcony.

He didn’t return.

When Rome did, I could tell he’d heard our entire conversation.

“You okay?” he said, concernedly.

I didn’t respond.

“I warned him,” he then said, stepping close to me. “I warned him you wouldn’t be ready. He was just scared you’d move on if he didn’t try. I know him now. I know the way his brain works.”

“You sound very close to him.”

“I am.” He paused, studying me as he carefully said, “Carter built shields growing up. He did it to protect himself from getting hurt again.”

Again.

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