Page 54 of Forget About Me

Bella squints as if she’s trying to picture a different version of me.

“The thing is, he was my best friend growing up, but it was always his way or the highway. I always put up with it. But that day he went too far. He called me a fag, and it lit me up. I mean, I actually had gay friends at school, and I knew the word was hurtful to them. Suddenly I was telling him I was pretty sure I wasn’t gay because I’d been fucking his sister all summer.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, but that makes it worse. The awful images that haunt my dreams are right there in technicolor. “The next thing I knew, we were in a ditch, the car was upside down, and Tony was suspended over me making this awful wheezing sound. I managed to crawl out of the wreck, but I couldn’t get him out. I wasn’t strong enough.” I shake my head, the irony killing me. “All I remember after that is waking up in the hospital, my leg in a cast and my dad telling me Tony was dead.”

“Wait, what?” Bella hugs her knees to her chest, her eyes wide. “What the fuck happened?”

“While Tony and I were yelling at each other, a drunk driver ran a light going eighty miles an hour and slammed into the driver’s side. We spun, clipped a light pole and flipped into the ditch.”

Both hands cover her mouth. The playfulness in her eyes is wiped away. “Oh my god.”

I lift a finger in the air. “And it gets worse. When I got out of the hospital, I went to Tony’s wake, but I could barely look at Lucy, let alone talk to her, because I felt so guilty. And then I ran.” My tone slips from self-mockery to disgust as I remember telling myself it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared. “All the way to California. I did my last semester of school there, but really, I ran away. I couldn’t face them. I never told any of them what happened.”

She doesn’t say anything for a few beats. When I make myself look at her, her brow is furrowed.

“Well, they know what happened,” she finally says. “You were hit by a drunk driver.”

“They don’t know about the fight. They don’t know I didn’t save him.”

She drops her chin. “Ben, come on. You truly think you could’ve saved him?”

“If I’d been lifting like he’d always bugged me to, I might’ve had a chance.”

She covers her whole face, takes in a huge breath and lets it out, but she doesn’t say anything.

“What?”

She drops her hands and clasps them tight in her lap. “Why does his family need to know about the fight?”

I can’t believe she doesn’t get this. “If we hadn’t been fighting, Tony might’ve seen the guy coming. He could have stopped in time.”

Sitting up straight, she shakes her head definitively. “No way. If he was going that fast, nobody could’ve reacted in time.” She reaches over and places a hand on my knee, gripping it firmly. “Ben. This accident was not your fault.” She jiggles my knee until I meet her gaze, which is kind but firm, probably one she aims at her kid. “If you really think you need to tell Lucy, you could soften things. I mean, like maybe say you were trying to tell him about your relationship, and the discussion got heated??—?”

“But that’s not what happened.” I tick off the course of events on my fingers. “I was defensive, I overreacted, I pushed his buttons and he lost it.”

Bella shakes her head slowly. “I get that you feel horrible about all this—to be fighting with your best friend and then suddenly he’s dead. That’s… that’s beyond awful.”

There’s a surge of emotion in her voice, and she sniffs and swipes a hand over her face. “I get having regrets. I’ve done things that have made life pretty crappy for other people—people I care about.” A sob hitches out. She takes in a ragged breath and pushes through whatever’s upsetting her. “But I have learned that punishing myself doesn’t help those people. In fact, I have to forgive myself so I can support them. Everybody fucks up, does stupid shit. But nobody is omnipotent.

“Especially not you. You. Did. Not. Cause. That. Accident.” She knocks her knuckles on my knee with each word. “Honestly, I don’t think hearing about it will help anyone, especially not Lucy. Butifyou tell her, I think you first need to deal with your own pain. It totally sucks that you were fighting with Tony just before he died. It sucks you’re not the Incredible Hulk, whomaybecould’ve pulled him from the car, but who knows what would’ve happened then? What I do know? You didn’t kill him.” By the time she’s finished this monologue, her voice has dropped to a fierce growl.

Puck whines, startling me. Realizing that my fingers are gripping the fur at the nape of his neck, I relax them to smooth the spot. “Sorry, buddy.”

I don’t know what to think about what she just said. My heart’s pounding so loudly in my ears that it’s hard to think.

But I did it. I told her. “Thanks. Thanks for listening. And not judging.”

“Anytime.” She nods slowly before standing and stretching into a yawn. “Yeah. I need some chocolate.”

She manages to smack me on the side of the head before jogging away.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“Feels Like the First Time” - Foreigner

Lucy’s Right On Rock On Mixtape, Song # 9

LUCY

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