Page 64 of What I'm Looking For

I follow orders, willing my heart to calm down.

Alice slides into the passenger seat. “You want to talk about what’s going on?”

Squeezing the water bottle between my thighs, I attempt to contain jumbled feelings. “I guess I needed to get away from… all those people.”

Alice turns in her seat to face me. “It’s kind of weird. Will actually reminded me of Jonathan a couple times.”

“It’s not just me?” The look of distaste on her face is a gift. “I thought I was going crazy.”

Trees surround the parking lot, their branches swaying gently in the breeze. I just watch them for a few moments. Finally, my thoughts stop running around in circles. “Thing is, I helped him learn his lines, so I know that Helena ends up with him in the end.” I look back at the theater. Clumps of people are smoking near the rear of the seating area, and they’re still selling snacks and tee shirts, so intermission hasn’t ended. I look over at Alice. “I’m not sure I can watch that.”

She winces. “You think he’ll be upset if you leave?”

“Probably.”

She gives me a searching look. “Maybe this is bringing up something about you and him, too?”

“I don’t know how. I mean, he’s really not like Jonathan at all.”

“Sooo… what? PMS?”

“No, but spending time with him has changed my routine a lot. Maybe I feel like my work is threatened by the relationship?”

Alice jostles my knee with a warm hand. “Since when is this a relationship? I thought you guys were just having fun. And awesome sex.”

“Yeah,” I admit, thunking my thick skull against the headrest. “The problem is that the awesome sex makes me think about him all the time and stirs up the kind of feelings I’ve had safely packed away. Maybe that’s making me feel vulnerable? Like, what happens if we break up? I can’t handle going through that anger and hurt all over again.”

Alice grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Listen, how ’bout we go back to your place and have a glass of wine and watch something funny, and then you call Will and tell him you felt sick and had to leave?”

I close my eyes. She’s probably right. We should go. I don’t want to ruin Will’s opening night party by showing up an emotional mess. He should be able to celebrate with the rest of the cast. I look over at her. “You won’t be able to hook up with a cute actor that way.”

Alice waves this off. “I’ll leave the actors to you.”

“Okay, but you have to drive,” I whimper, playing it up. “I’m too much of a mess to handle Boston traffic right now.”

“No problem.” Alice tags me and hops out of the car. “Fire drill!”

A half laugh escapes as I run around to the passenger side.

Only Alice can make me laugh when I feel like crying.

Chapter16

BEEP. Friday, 8:53 p.m.

Hi Will, this is Kate’s friend Alice. I’m calling to let you know that we had to leave at intermission because Kate wasn’t feeling well. She’s fine, just needed to get to bed. She’ll call you tomorrow. Great show, by the way!

WILL

As we exit the last scene before intermission, Tom and Jerry silently high-five me. The interns playing First Lord and Second Lord actually remind me of the cartoon cat and mouse. Tom is tall and pale with jet black hair and a pointy nose. Jerry’s more squat and round and is very good at getting Tom’s goat.

We all pause to listen to the closing dialogue between Helena and the Widow. I don’t want to jinx anything, but it’s been going well. After my line, “I spoke with her but once and found her wondrous cold,” the crowd actually booed.

Applause erupts, the lights change and Sarah Anne Samurai, who plays the Widow, swishes offstage. “Great job tonight you guys!” She puts an arm around my shoulder to squeeze it briefly. “Especially you. Bertram’s worse than my ex.” Word is she had a bitter divorce, so bad that she changed her last name to Samurai when it was all over, so I guess she’s an authority on the subject.

Isabelle—Bella, we all call her now—the ex-soap opera actress playing Helena, pokes me as she passes. “Yeah, what’s your girlfriend going to think? Somebody’s not getting laid tonight.” Even though we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, she already teases me like the older sister I never had.

I follow the women to our so-called greenroom, really just a space between the dressing tents. “She knows it’s a play, you idiot.”

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