Page 97 of What I'm Looking For

Dear Will,

Since you left my house on the 3rd, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything we said. From the beginning, you and I have been wary of a relationship because we work in such different worlds and seem to have very different hopes and expectations. In fact, when Steve kissed me, I hoped that I’d feel something for this guy who IS from my world, who SEEMS to be a perfect fit for me.

The thing is, I felt nothing

And I feel a lot when I kiss you.

The whole thing has made me realize that even though you and I don’t seem like a good match on paper, all that doesn’t really matter. When I was with you, I felt things I’d never even imagined before. In my heart and in just about every corner of my body.

I also want to thank you. When Jonathan and I broke up, I felt ugly and stupid. With you, I know now that I don’t NEED to be with a man to feel like a whole person.

BUT.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t have someone in my life that will make it even better.

I also want to share some exciting news!

Ever since my trip to NC where I saw how those people were suffering, basically because of the work I do, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them. And feeling for them. And that has a little bit—maybe a lot—to do with you. How you made me feel everything a little bit more deeply.

So, I’m going to do something about it. I have an interview for a job with a company in Philadelphia that, if I get it, will use my skills to actually help the kind of people I’ve been hurting.

I wanted you to know because you helped me see that I really don’t belong in the world I’m working in now. I don’t know if I’d have seen that if I hadn’t met you.

Sincerely,

Kate Bishop

My hand’s shaking so much by the time I get to the end of the letter, the words are almost unreadable. Crumpling the paper, I hurl it across the room with a strangled roar.

It’s not enough. I need something to throw, to punch, to kick, but my hands can only find my fucking head. They’re clamped on my skull, trying to contain the pain that’s pounding through my entire being.

Suddenly, I’m shivering all over. I find the floor, panting, my vision blurring. Swallowing around the boulder in my throat, I drag my mind to my breath. Finally, it starts to smooth out. Carefully easing up from the fetal position I’d been curled into, I sit back against my bed.

I’m drenched with sweat. Whatever just happened, it’s obvious Kate makes me feel things that are out of control.

Better that we ended things before I fall for her even harder. Because according to that letter, she’s leaving town. That’s what always happens when you let anybody get too close.

They leave.

And you never see them again.

* * *

The next day,when the stage manager finally calls the end of rehearsal, I’m slumped in a folding chair, not sure if I can get out of it.

I’ve either been directing fight choreography, practicing my own combat sequences, or running through scenes the entire day. I’m working on only a few hours of sleep. I’d collapsed on my bed long after midnight only to have Kate parade through my mind for hours.

A hand rests on my shoulder. “Good job, love. Keep digging deeper on that last scene, eh?”

Mira’s warm smile holds a hint of disappointment. I nod, trying to hide my own frustration. My death scene is not working, and I don’t know why. Seems like our director has no clue, either.

Ben walks over to pick up his bag, stowed under the chair next to mine. “I’ll see you in the morning at the dance studio, right?”

“Yep, see you then.”

Mira grabs Ben’s free hand and pulls him toward the door. “Come on, Benny, you owe me a meal.” I watch them go. I’ve been impressed with the work Ben’s doing as Romeo. Better than I’m capable of at the moment.

Eva Marie’s voice floats across the rehearsal hall. “‘Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch. Marry ’tis enough.’” The vibrations of my mentor’s melodious alto on Mercutio’s lines reverberate through the room.

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