Page 100 of What I'm Looking For

She lets that comment hang in the air for a bit before continuing. “Just remember. Emotion is just energy. It’s got to move. It won’t hurt you if you let it move. But if you stop it up, that’s when it fucks with you.” She taps on her skull. “You’ll need to do some more work, perhaps talk to a professional, but I think if you excavate all you’ve been feeling about your father leaving you and get it out in the open, you’ll not only do better work, you’ll feel better, too.”

I nod. I’m a bit too undone to speak. She stands and squeezes my shoulder before stepping away.

“I’ll leave you for now, but I’m happy to talk anytime.” Picking up her bag, she heads for the door, but pauses at the threshold to catch my eye. What I see in her face is simple love and acceptance. What my mother hadn’t been able to give me in the midst of her own grief, Eva Marie gives me now: the deep knowledge that it’s okay to feel all these things, that it’s human to feel them. That I’ll not only survive it, I’ll come out the other side stronger.

“Thank you,” I croak.

“Proud of you, William,” she says simply.

After she closes the door behind her, I look around the empty room. Echoes of the sounds I unleashed have faded. Surprisingly, instead of feeling weighed down by what I dug up, I feel freed of a burden I hadn’t known I’d been carrying.

A rough laugh escapes my lips when Kate’s face pops into my mind. All the time we were together, I thought I was the one making her feel things more fully. After all, I’m the actor, the one who’s supposed to be aware of that stuff, yet I was the one completely out of touch with my feelings.

Until I met her.

Remembering the letter she sent, fresh pain slices through my heart. She’ll be moving to Philadelphia if she gets that job, which of course she will. She’s so smart, so good at what she does, she can get any job she wants.

A broken sigh, a mix of anguish and humor, blows over my lips. Because, really, the joke’s on me, but it’s too late for the punch line.

* * *

The next day,with ten-out-of-twelves forRomeo and Julieton the horizon for the weekend, I’m glad to pick up a lunch shift at the bar. I got the first two checks from the film, but the final one hasn’t arrived, so I have a bit of a cash flow problem. Deb said I could be a few days late with my rent, but I hate to do that. I don’t think I can take owing her money on top of the looks of concern I keep catching on her and Pam’s faces. I might be a bit fucked up over losing Kate, but it doesn’t help for them to keep reminding me of it. I need to figure out how to move on.

Reaching into the fridge to pull out lemons and limes, I wonder if I should call Jay to try to find out about the missing check. Moments later, as if I conjured him up, the casting director steps through the pub door, backlit by the midafternoon sun. When the door closes, I see that someone’s behind him. Hot Steve. Just what I need right now.

I bow slightly. May as well put on a show. “‘Good company, good wine, good welcome, can make good people.’”

“Okay, Shakespeare,” Jay laughs. “Can we have a late lunch at the bar?”

“Of course.” I refuse to let Steve’s presence throw me. “Here’s the menu, and our specials are up on the board. Though I’ll have to check, we may be out of the chowder.”

Steve settles on a stool next to Jay. “No problem.” He seems to be avoiding my gaze. Interesting. Did something happen between him and Kate after all? I fill water glasses to give myself a moment to calm down. After all, it’s really no longer my business.

I set waters in front of them. “Can I get you something else to drink?”

“I’ll have a pint of that Harpoon Ale,” Jay says.

Steve’s eyes are locked on the row of taps. “Yeah, me too.”

Pulling the beers with a steady hand, I take their lunch orders with a smile. After delivering them to the kitchen, I take my time clearing empties left by the one waiter still on duty. When their lunches are ready, I grab the plates and a couple setups, figuring I’ll drop them off and then make myself scarce again.

However, I do need to ask Jay about the check. “You guys need anything else?”

“I’m good.” Jay gives Steve a pointed look.

“Uh?…” Steve lights a cigarette and takes a deep drag on it. “Yeah, uh. I… feel like I should tell you something.”

I hold up a hand. “Listen, I know you kissed Kate at that wedding. Yeah, I was angry when I first heard about it, but it’s fine. I mean, things with us were never that serious and now it’s over, so… don’t worry about it.” I paste on a smile, take in a breath and turn to ask Jay about the check.

Steve starts up again before I can get my mouth open. “Oh. Well, that’s good. I mean, I’ve been feeling bad about it. She seemed pretty broken up about you, uh, breaking up. And I felt like maybe it was my fault, at least in part. But, really, nothing happened. Yeah, I kissed her. But, man. She was unbelievably hot in that dress she wore to the wedding.” Steve chuckles, regaining some of his frat boy swagger. “I mean, who knew that body was hiding under those horrible suits she wears? She’s got great titsandlegs.”

Jay winces. “Steve, don’t be a douche.”

“Bite me, asshole,” Steve shoots back. “Anyway, that night I figured, hey, we’re here, we get along, we’re away from work, maybe she’ll want to fool around.”

I’m not sure where this is going, but I am sure I don’t want to hear anymore. “Like I said, it’s?—”

“Hear me out,” Steve stubs out his cigarette. “So, I kissed her. But that was it, and she shut that down pretty quick. And it’s for the best. I like her and all. But really, more like a sister. I’m gonna miss her. I just wanted you to know—there’s nothing between the two of us.”

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