Page 60 of You Spin Me

“Thank you, that’d be nice.” I didn’t feel like eating before the show tonight, so I am pretty hungry. After Phil disappears, I raise my glass. “Thanks for giving me a chance.”

Cal clinks with me and takes a sip without losing eye contact. “You’re pretty damn stubborn.”

“Thank you.”

Instead of dousing the flames of desire lighting up every corner of my body, the wine spreads the heat faster. I end up shoving my hands under my thighs so I don’t grab him by the collar and crawl into his lap. That glancing kiss back at the studio only made me want more.

When Talia pushed me into the studio earlier, I was fired up for a debate. Now my brain’s hazy from the nap I took, so when Phil slides a mouth-watering plate of food in front of me, I dig in and Cal does too. Before I can say anything, he beats me to the punch.

“I know I have a face only a mother could love.”

“Cal—”

“Let me get this out. Please.”

It’s not easy for me to back down, but I do.

“But you were right back in the studio. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone who looks like you would want to even be seen with someone who looks like me.”

This is obviously difficult territory for him, so I clamp my lips together and keep listening.

“You’re also right that it’s pretty obnoxious of me to think that’d be all you care about, but I’ve lived in this fucked-up body for a really long time. So I know that for me, normal is not possible. You’ve got an imagination. Picture what it’d be like for you to be out in public with me.”

“I’m used to people staring, Cal. People have stared because of my so-called exotic beauty my whole life.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not the same.”

“How do you know? You say that I can’t know what it’s like to live in your skin. Logically, the same is true the other way around.” The zing of winning a point is immediately tamped down by shame. I mean, I am right, but he is too. I can’t imagine the pain he’s suffered, both physical and psychological.

“When you saw me for the first time, your face said it all.”

Shaking my head, I push my empty plate away and turn to face him. “You startled me.”

“Your face told a very clear story. One I’ve read before.”

“I don’t know what you think you saw, but I do know about projection. My mother teaches psychology. People often see what they expect to see.”

“Exactly. People would see you and me and be like, ‘What the fuck is a monster like him doing with a gorgeous woman like her?’”

“What do you care what assholes like that think?”

“Because it fucking hurts, that’s why I care. It hurt when you saw my face and you were afraid.”

“I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t expecting you. Or anyone. I mean, you fell through the door.”

“I saw your thoughts, Jess. You may have been startled at first, but then it was the same thing I get every time. Your face is expressive, you know.”

“That may be so, but—”

“Sorry, guys,” Phil interrupts us. “But I’ve got to clear out the place. Don’t want to give the cops any reason to sniff around.” He sets two bags full of takeout containers on the bar next to Cal. “Nice to meet you, Jessica. Hope to see you again.”

Before I know it, we’re back out in the cold. This time Cal’s hands are full, so I have to shove my hands in my own pockets.

“I’ll walk you back to your car, but then I have to deliver these.”

“To whom?”

“Some homeless guys. Phil hates waste, and I don’t like people to go hungry. Plus, I get why some people don’t want to be out in the world.”

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