Page 63 of You Spin Me

But I’m not anorexic. I’m not restricting calorie intake. I’m just running around so much that sometimes I literally don’t have time to eat properly. I probably do need to work on that now that the show has opened.

I’m still wrestling with these worries Sunday night when Bella comes over. My preoccupation must be pretty obvious because once we’re in our jammies and lying on the twin beds in my actor house room and she’s complimented my performance, she narrows her eyes at me. “Something’s off with you.”

Throwing my arm over my eyes, I groan. “Not you too.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everybody’s momming me.”

She tips her head from side to side. “I don’t think I’m momming. I’m girlfriending.”

Blowing out a breath, I get to my feet. “Okay. Be honest. Am I too thin?”

When she opens her mouth but doesn’t say anything, I add, “Or too fat?”

“Jesus, no. Ugh.” She scrubs her hands over her face and then shakes them out, mumbling something to herself.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. No. I hate talking about this stuff. But I love you, so…” She sits up straight and slaps her hands on her thighs. “I’m going to spit it out. Youhavelost weight since last summer and Ihavebeen worried about it but it’s not my place to say anything so I haven’t but it has really been bothering me so I’m glad you brought it up.” Totally out of breath by the time she speeds through these words, she takes in another to say, “There. I said it. Don’t hate me.”

I sink onto my bed. “Okay.”

She winces. “Okay? That’s it?”

I nod slowly. “I was treated for anorexia when I was a teenager, but I always thought the doctors were wrong. Maybe they were right and it’s back.” I get up and stand in front of the full-length mirror, turning to the side to check my profile like I always do. Like always, it looks wrong. “I don’t know how to tell. I mean, we all have to watch our weight, but I eat pretty normally. For an actress.” Gesturing up and down at my body, I try to explain. “I mean, my breasts are freakishly big, but I don’t think I’m fat.” Eyes back on the mirror, I shake my head at the lumpy shapes that make up my torso. “I’m not sure I know what normal looks like.”

She doesn’t say anything, and when I meet her eyes, it seems like she wants to say more.

“Just say it.”

She winces. “I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t know what’s helpful. All I know is that this industry can really fuck with your head and get a girl to justify all kinds of unhealthy behaviors.” Hugging her knees and resting her chin on them, she sighs. “Being pregnant taught me to listen to my body, to what feels healthy. I don’t think mirrors ever tell the truth.”

Making myself smile, I wag a finger at her. “Except when you tip them the right way.”

Following my playful lead, she gasps and claps her hands to her cheeks. “Like those ones they have in department stores that make you look totally awesome!”

“Yeah, I’ve never stood in front of one of those.” Attempting to lighten the mood is too exhausting, so I flop back onto the bed with a groan. “Why can’t I be normal and enjoy having a boyfriend?”

She throws a pillow at me. “What? You have a boyfriend? Why am I the last to know? Wait,” she gasps. “Is it the DJ?”

Sitting up, I can’t help the grin that takes over my face when I think about Cal. Catching her up on what happened puts a smile back on her face, too.

When I finish the story, she grabs her pillow back and hugs it as she sits cross-legged on her bed. “You’ve had a lot of change in the past couple of months. Maybe you need to acknowledge that and give yourself a break? You can stand to gain some weight back, so you could enjoy doing that. Plus you’ve got a cool guy in your life.” She moans into the pillow. “Trying so hard not to be jealous.”

Things feel better when we settle back against the headboards. I shared some of my crazy with Bella, and she didn’t even blink. In fact, it felt like she had something to share too. Maybe she’s not quite ready, though, because she moves on to talk about her daughter and Shakespeare Boston instead. Eventually, we’re echoing each other’s yawns, so we get under the covers and I turn off the light.

It’s been quiet for a bit, so I’m not sure if she’s asleep when I whisper, “Love you, Bella,” but she whispers back, “Love you too, girl.”

There’s a smile on my face when I fall asleep. Not only do I maybe have a new best friend, tomorrow I get to see Cal again.

Chapter17

Grace Traynor wrapping up my time tonight with Suzanne Vega and “Left of Center” from thePretty in Pinksoundtrack. And if you wantme, you know you can find me here weeknights from six to ten. At least for the time being.

CAL

“Special delivery for Cal Alonso.” Monday night at ten fifteen p.m., Talia sticks her head in the door. “Hey, doll. I’m heading out early tonight, but I think this one can get your coffee. Maybe even read the weather.”

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