Page 110 of You Spin Me

“I have a lot to work on too.”

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you. Maybe we… Fuck. I’m so out of my depth here I don’t even know how to say it.”

Now I’m sniffling too—surprise, surprise. “I don’t know either, Cal. But I love you. I want to get better too, and I have to do that before I can decide about anything.” As I swipe the snot from my nose, my gaze lands on the clock over the stove. “I really have to go. Can you, um, give Jones the message that I’ll be back the twenty-seventh and I’d like to come back to work then? Is that okay?”

He doesn’t say anything for a beat, and I’m about to tell him that I’ll figure something else out if it’s going to mean we can’t be together when he says, “It’s very okay. I’ll tell him. Take care of yourself, Jess. I mean it.”

“You too, Cal. Bye.”

“Bye, princess. See you soon.”

CAL

The dial tone in my ear is interrupted by Jones’s voice. “Hey, Cal. Was that for me?”

Wishing I had a recording of the conversation with Jess, wishing that we’d talked face-to-face so I had a better idea of what is happening, I do my best to file away the memory word for word as I put the phone back in its cradle.

Then I face Jones. “It was.” After giving him Jess’s message, I add, “I’m actually here because I need to talk to you.”

“Good,” he says as he crosses to the other side of his desk. “I need to talk to you too.” He sits and gestures for me to do the same. “I’m really hoping you’re here to say yes to the new lineup because we need to act now to avoid losing this couple in Atlanta. Charlotte is making a play for them, but I’m pretty sure our offer is better. If you’re in?”

Pushing aside worries that working during the day would be awkward if Jess and I can’t work things out, I shake my head. “I’m in, but I really need to do this… thing. Which involves leaving town. Is there any way I can take off the last week of March?”

“Well, let’s see what we can do.” After pulling out the master schedule, he gets the Atlanta station manager on the phone. The whole thing seems to take forever, especially the long stretch that he’s on hold while the manager checks with his DJs. Finally, Jones wraps up the conversation, hangs up the phone and lifts his hand for a high five.

“We got ’em. And they can start the last week of March. So as long as you can get Motor to stay through then, I think we’ve got you covered.” He points a finger at me. “But you have to be back for April first. Don’t want to miss the Fool’s Parade.”

Hope blooms in my chest as I stand. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

Back at my apartment,I start making phone calls.

First, to Motor. Thankfully, he agrees to stay on through the end of March, as long as I cover some of his shifts for the next couple of weeks. It’ll mean some long days, but it’s worth it.

Next, to the Phoenix Society, where I confirm that I can make it to the burn camp counselor training intensive at the end of March. After that, I call Phil at the bar to check in on how things are going with the food deliveries. If I’m making this change, there’s no way I can go back to delivering late-night meals, so his positive report takes a huge weight off my shoulders.

“We don’t need you anymore, Cal,” Phil confirms. “It’s going great. But Walt did ask if you’d come visit St. Francis House. He and a couple others now spend nights there, but for some reason they miss your ugly mug.”

I miss them too. And Phil. My life may be heading in a better direction, but that doesn’t mean I have to leave everything behind. “I’ll do that. And maybe I’ll be in for dinner tonight.”

“Meatloaf special.”

“Well then, it’s a date.”

“See you later, Cal.”

My final call is to Sharon at the Shriners Foundation. If I got anything from that phone call from Jessica, it’s that I need to do more than go away to camp for a week. Sharon is the only person I can think of who can help me figure out what that means, exactly.

After I run some ideas by her for a concert fundraiser, I pause, trying to figure out what to say. She must sense my hesitation because she asks, “Was there something else?”

“Yeah, actually. So, you said something the first time we talked that I’ve been thinking about. I’m actually going to do a counselor training at a burn camp down in Pennsylvania later this month.”

“That’s great, Cal,” Sharon says. “I think you’ll be great, and like I said, I think you’ll get a lot out of it, too.”

“Um, that’s the part I wanted to ask you about. I’m wondering if there’s anybody that you, uh, see here. To talk about…” I don’t even know the words for this stuff, so I don’t know how I think I’m ready to do it, but I have to at least try. I want to be better. For Jess and for myself. “You know, mental stuff.”

“Like a counselor? Or a therapist?”

“Either, I guess. Someone to help me figure out how being burned has fucked up my head.”

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