Page 103 of Child of Mine

“Ambition isn’t a terrible thing. You had a gift. People loved to watch you perform.” Eyes on his folded hands, he pauses, seeming to consider his next words. “They still do.”

“What do you mean?”

Meeting my gaze, his is clear as he says, “I’ve seen your plays.”

“What?”

“Your mom told me you were acting again.”

“When?”

“She and I talk.” He shrugs. “I came up with my partner, and we sawAll’s WellandTwo Gents.We hope to get up to seeComedy of Errors.”

“Your partner? Did you… start a business?”

“No, I’m a dialect coach now. But my partner is my… Alex. We’ve been together for almost five years.”

“Alex like Alexandra?”

“Bella.” He sighs like I’m being incredibly dense. “I’m gay. That’s why your mom and I split up. I can’t believe she never told you.”

I’m speechless for a few moments, finally getting what she meant about him having his reasons. “I… I was so angry at you for a long time and didn’t want to hear anything about you. And then recently—” I break off. “I just never guessed.”

He moves to sit next to me on the couch. “Sweetheart, you have every right to be angry with me. I was less than useless to you back then. I was selfish, high on the whole lifestyle… I didn’t even know you were in trouble until it was too late. I don’t know how we both survived. I’m sorry, for all of it.”

“Oh,” is all I have to say to this, still running all of my dad’s behavior through this new lens. “Why didn’t you tell me? That you’re… that you prefer men?”

He shakes his head slowly. “Ironically, I didn’t want you to hate me. But I have a feeling that happened anyway.”

“I washurt,Dad. I felt like you gave up on me and abandoned me, and… when I found out you took the money—” Suddenly my dad’s appearance, his involvement with Act Up, and the money all add up in my head. “Oh my god. Are you sick?”

He blows out a breath. “Both Alex and I are HIV-positive, but we are lucky enough to have access to AZT, which has kept us healthy so far. Most people can’t afford it, which is why we protest.”

“Did you use my money to pay for that?”

“That was to help friends.” A fierceness replaces his habitually gentle manner, and he gets up from the couch to pace. “There are so many men who have died in pain or alone because they don’t have health insurance. I needed to help the ones I could. I’ll pay it back eventually, but the high cost of the meds is making that more challenging than I’d expected.”

Before I can tell him that I don’t care about the money, he takes both of my hands in his. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry about all of it. It took me a long time to let go of the shame. The self-hatred, really. I thought what I wanted was perverted, and I was in a bad cycle. But that doesn’t excuse my neglect.” When he raises his head, the love in his tear-filled eyes is undeniable. “I loved you. So much. Still do.”

“I love you too, Daddy.” A sob hiccups out of me. “I miss you.”

And then he’s nestled next to me on the couch, arms around me while I sob onto his shirt.

Chapter 22

“AT HOME WITH… Nathan Reed. All stars have fans, and over the years this fetching actor (Bruce onRyan’s Wish) has received a multitude of letters from admirers. It’s still hard to believe that one woman would write to Nathan regularly over a ten-year period! I read the most recent missive, and it’s purely and completely devoted, but unsigned… Does she want nothing in return for her dedication? No pictures, no answers, no recognition?”TV Tattler, August 1989

BELLA

By the time I make it downtown to the hotel where Henry and I are staying, my mind is so full and my heart so wrung out that all I want to do is fall into bed. So that’s what I do. After calling to check in with my mom and Lilah, brushing my teeth, and running a washcloth over my face, I strip out of my clothes and crawl into bed.

I don’t fall asleep, however. Talking to my dad and being in our old apartment was like opening a Pandora’s box. As a slideshow of memories flash through my mind, all I want to do is give the girl I see a big hug. She was trying so very hard to fill herself up with what she thought was love but was really just attention.

Surprisingly, not all of the memories are negative. He did take care of me in little ways. Made sure the refrigerator was full, made me wear a coat when I didn’t want to, coached me for auditions. Away at rehab, I shoved everything that happened in New York into one big closet of evil, never to be reopened, but now I realize that life wasn’t all bad, even after I started using and he disappeared into what I now know was a search for connection with other men.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave,” I whisper to the empty room. The lady Scot got that right.

When the hotel door opens, I’ve retreated so far into memories I’ve almost forgotten where I am and the reason we came down here in the first place, but the smile on Henry’s face is exactly the thing I need right now.

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