Page 109 of Child of Mine

She shifts in her seat to face me. “I said, when you got on the phone to Joe—back in your office at GBH—were you calling him because you wanted to prove to me that you love me?”

“Nope.” This I am clear on. “I did itbecauseI love you. If I can help the people I love in any way, why not do it?” I take her hand again and give it a squeeze. “I know I should ask first. I can work on that.” I shoot her a smile. “But you might have to remind me.”

She takes my hand in both of hers and holds on tight. “Okay, then. Well, this is kind of the same.”

When she doesn’t go on, I ask, “The same as…?”

“Well, saying the L-word isn’t easy for me. I know my parents love me, but it’s not something they ever said aloud. I know what I feel for Lilah is one kind of love, and what I feel for my friend Jess is another kind of love. I’m starting to get that what I feel for you might be yet another kind of love.”

I’m afraid if I look at her I’ll either run us off the road or shut her down, so I hold my breath and nod.

“It’s a connection that we’ve had since the moment we met, but it’s more than that,” she says softly, almost to herself. “Every new thing I learn about you makes me want to know more. I admire your work ethic and your smarts, your willingness to put it all out there, to take risks. Most important, I think, is that I trust you. Trust you enough to rely on you, depend on you, without feeling… I don’t know, obsessed or overwhelmed by these feelings. I used to think that love was supposed to feel like a drug that I couldn’t stop, and that scared me.”

She shifts in her seat before continuing. “After you left, the night we met?”

I nod, and when I glance at her briefly and see her fingers clenched tightly in her lap, I have to hang on tight to the steering wheel to keep from reaching out to her.

“I thought I was fine with it—with you just taking off. But when I got back to Boston, I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, fantasizing about a life with you.” She shakes her head. “I’d never felt that way before. But when I figured out I was pregnant, I convinced myself that what I felt for you was all about hormones, like some elemental need to be with the baby’s father.”

She takes in a deep breath, then lets it out again before continuing. “Since I couldn’t find you, I made myself forget about you, which worked just fine. Until you came back.”

When she holds out her hand, I don’t hesitate, I grab it like it’s a lifeline. Because it sure does feel like one. “Like you said a while ago, what I feel when I’m with you is just… like I’m home. So,” she says, pausing to take another deep breath, “would you like to move in with Lilah and me? In a house that we find together?”

The smile stretching my lips feels almost too big for my face, and there’s a lump in my throat that may make me sound like a sap, but I don’t care. “Yes. Yes, Bella, I would love to move in with you and Lilah.”

When I risk a glance in her direction, I’m overjoyed to see that her smile mirrors mine. Still, I have to ask, “Ribsy too?”

She laughs. “Ribsy too. And the cats. I guess we’ll just have to find a place big enough for us all.”

Chapter 24

“Veteran daytime star Layla Robins reflects on her career shift to independent films: ‘When I started out, I was just too interested in pleasing other people, in trying to be everything they wanted me to be. It’s a common problem with people who start on camera as youngsters! For the first time in my life, I’m faced with growing up. There’s more to life than work!’”Soap Chat,August 1989

BELLA

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat in a chair bathed in the hot lights of a television studio, but it’s been even longer since I appeared on this side of the camera as myself. It’s slightly terrifying to be here without the armor of a character to play and someone else’s words to speak, but it’s exhilarating too.

When we returned from New York, I met with Carol and told her that I wanted—needed—to share my story. She was hesitant at first, but after we went over the pros and cons, she agreed that if a story about me being an addict were to come out, it’d be better for me to tell it. We followed that up with a meeting with theBoomcast parents and then with the executive producer of WGBH’s news programs, and the plan for this evening’s taped interview was quickly put in place.

I did a pre-interview with the show’s host, so I’m prepared for her first question. “What made you want to tell your story, Ms. York?”

“Well, it wasn’t an easy decision.” I’m sweating like crazy under the light cardigan I’m wearing, and I’m really hoping that it doesn’t show on camera. Or maybe it should. Maybe it should be clear how difficult this is. “I lived a little too much of my life in the public eye as a teen and young adult. Back here in Boston, I’ve done the opposite, keeping a very low profile, because until recently I was kept from speaking about my experiences working as a child actor due to an agreement my parents and I signed. Now that I’ve been freed from that, I want to tell my story in the hope that others might avoid the pitfalls I blundered into, whether they are a performer or not.”

The host nods, thanking me, and then speaks directly to the camera. “We’re taking a different approach for this in-depth interview.” Standing, she gestures off-stage. “I’d like to introduce the investigators who will take my place tonight.”

Jared and Tara look a little nervous as they join us on the set. After introducing them, the host leaves us, and the kids take her place. When the producers pitched this idea, I was concerned that it’d seem like a blatant plug forBoom, which premieres next week. It may end up being that, but I’m now convinced that answering these teens’ questions directly is the best way to address my mistakes in a way that could prevent others from following in my footsteps.

Still, when Tara asks her first question, my mouth’s suddenly so dry that I’m not sure I can get the next words out. I’ve never had stage fright, but this is different. I take a sip of water, and then surreptitiously seek out Henry, who promised to stand stage left of Camera A. Just a glance at him helps me get back on track.

“Shortly after my first season as a cast member onBoom, I signed with an agent and worked as an actor in New York. This was unusual among my peers, and in fact, the next year WGBH included language in the contracts that prevented cast members from pursuing a career on camera for at least two years, which I believe was a smart move.”

“Why do you think that?” Jared asks.

“As I said, after I leftBoom, a few agents approached my parents about representing me as an actor. They said no at first, but I pushed until my parents relented. My father and I moved to New York. I was extremely lucky, but to be honest, I also worked hard. I took acting classes, and I did a correspondence course to graduate high school.”

“What was the problem, then?” Tara asks.

“Well, when I booked the soap, I thought I’d achieved my dream. But with that success came pressure and an entrée into an adult world that I wasn’t ready for. I attended events and parties where I was treated like an adult when I was still a teenager. As a result, I began drinking alcohol well before it was legal for me to. This became habitual. When I’d show up to the set tired after a long night out, there always seemed to be someone around with a pill that’d help me get through the day.”

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