Page 49 of Child of Mine

“Just because I thought I did doesn’t mean—”

Hand up again he interrupts me, “You’re right. Okay? Can I finish?”

When I nod, he says. “I’m angry because you’ve been lying to me since we met again. We’ve had sex twice, and you still didn’t tell me. I think I have a right to be pissed.” He takes the grab bar and hangs on like it’s the only thing that’ll keep him sitting still. “But I agree. We should think this through before we tell Lilah. And figure out what to tell her.”

When he meets my gaze, I pour everything I’ve got into making myself clear. “Which means you should think about what you really want. That’s what I’m trying to say. Please don’t take her on out of obligation or anything. She’ll be fine with the status quo.”

He nods and his eyes soften slightly. “She seems like a great kid.”

Tears threaten, but I swallow them back. “She is. She really is. And you’re right too. She shouldn’t have to pay just because I screwed up.”

* * *

Henryand I don’t really resolve anything. He promises to think through what being a father would look like to him, and I promise to meet him after work tomorrow, where we will ostensibly decide on next steps.

A bitter laugh coughs out of me as I watch him swing his leg over his bike and ride away. I thought I was tired before, but after that encounter, I’m not sure I can make the drive home or haul my body up the stairs to our apartment above the shop, where I have more emotional heavy lifting to do. Hang out with Lilah for the evening while pretending that everything’s normal. Then once she’s in bed, facing my mom.

For the first time in years, I want a drink. I want the oblivion of a high. I want escape, however I can get it.

One little drink wouldn’t hurt,Quinn says.

It’s never just one,Izzy says.

A couple of drinks,Quinn shrugs.

And then what?Izzy demands.Then she really could lose Lilah. That man doesn’t know about our past. If he did—

How is he going to find out? Who will know?Quinn scoffs.

Anybody could take a picture, sell it to a paper,Izzy says.

Nobody cares about us anymore,Quinn snipes.

Squeezing my temples between my palms, I drown their voices with my own. “One step at a time. One thing, one moment, one second at a time. That’s all I can do.”

“Are you talking to yourself?”

Hand over my exploding heart, I roll down the car window. “Jesus, Jess! You scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry!” She leans closer. “Whoa, you look like you saw a ghost.”

“Worse.” I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but I remember Jess saying she was meeting Cal for dinner. “Wait, didn’t you leave?”

“I left my makeup bag.” She scans the empty parking lot. “But everything’s locked up. Damn.” Eyes back on me, her brow furrows. “So, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Honestly?” I’m not a big sharer, but Jess is the closest friend I’ve got. Maybe it’d help to get her perspective. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to come to my place and hang out?”

“I thought you were having dinner with Cal.”

She waves that down. “I was, but I can let him know you need me. He’ll understand.”

“He’s a good guy, isn’t he?”

“The best. Plus, we’ll be spending a lot more time together very soon.”

“Are you moving in with him?”

---