Page 63 of Child of Mine

“Hmm,” is all she says.

“I could use some advice, though.”

“Of course.” As I expected, her tone brightens.

“She’s a big reader, and that’s what we’ve been doing together so far. I’ve asked if she wants me to take her to do fun things, like roller skating or bowling, but she doesn’t seem interested.”

“Children don’t always need to be entertained, you know. Walk the dog, take her to the grocery store. Things like that.”

“That won’t be too boring?”

“Just listen to her and include her in your life. Trust me, that’s what she needs. Especially right now. Baby steps.”

“Yeah. I missed that stage.”

* * *

BELLA

When I was in rehab, the therapist said that my ability to focus was not only my secret weapon, it was the thing that saved my career. My ability to be in the present allowed me to work no matter what nonsense was going on around me, no matter what poison was coursing through my veins.

That ability is the only thing keeping me going right now.

When Lilah hangs out with Henry, I have to tear myself away from them. Even then, my heart remains right there between them while I rearrange books to spread out the dwindling stock, since my mom’s current survival tactic is to cut down on supply. It would make sense in any other business, but when a customer does come, then asks for a book that’s out of stock, they don’t want to wait a week to get it. They give me a pained smile and walk out the door. I’m sure their next stop will be the bookstore at the mall. Next time, they’ll skip coming here altogether.

Being busy from dawn to dusk helps, too. We’ve begun shooting the location segments and steering the kids through them takes every skill I’ve got in my toolbox. On top of that, I’m performing three nights a week in a comedy that moves at lightning speed and has me pulling out all the emotional stops. I can’t spare a thought for Lilah until we take the last bow. But then I can’t wait to get home, even though she’ll be asleep. I need to see her sweet face, know that despite the fact that she’s spending every evening with her father, she still needs me.

That’s where my mind is as I peel off my sweaty costume, just as Jess leans in close to ask, “How’s everything going at home?”

We share the dressing tent with the other actresses in the show, so I send her a subtle shake of the head before answering. “Good. When’s the big move?”

Thankfully, that successfully redirects the others’ attention. They jump in with questions about Jess moving in with Cal. Everyone’s happy for her, and the advice is mostly good, as far as I know. It’s not something I’ve ever done with a guy, so I have nothing to offer.

I didn’t even know that you could get free boxes from the package store since I’ve never purchased alcohol in Boston.

Fifteen minutes later, I’ve almost made it to my car when Jess calls out, “Bella, hang on.”

I send an apologetic wince her way. “I didn’t mean to give you the brush-off back there, I just need to?—”

She holds up a hand. “No need to explain. You must be juggling a lot right now.” After sprinting to catch up to me, she gives me a hug.

“Oh,” is all I can say. “Thanks.”

Squeezing me tight, she whispers, “I just want you to know that I love you and I believe in you. Whatever you’re struggling with, you can do it. And if you need me, call me. Anytime.” Stepping back, she says. “I mean it.”

I’m still getting used to having a friend I can trust who doesn’t seem to want something from me. Her offer means more to me than I can explain, so I just nod and whisper, “Thanks.”

When I finally do get in my car, I’m also grateful that the drive home is short, because Quinn and Izzy have opinions about all the secrets I’m still keeping and lies I’m still telling—misleading my colleagues at WGBH, keeping my addictions from Henry, and even lying to myself about how I feel about him.

Was he just kidding about the picket fence? Would he marry me just to make Lilah happy? Even if he did really care about me, what would that mean? I’ve never been in a real relationship with a guy. I’ve had flings, and I’ve had fake boyfriends that the PR people set up to bolster ratings. Half the time those men weren’t even into women. I didn’t give a shit as long as they kept me happy in other ways.

I’m still mulling over these questions the next morning when Lilah bounces into my bedroom. “Mommy! Guess what? Henry has a dog, and guess what his name is?”

Giving my girl the most genuine smile I can, despite the fact that the day has only begun and I’m already exhausted, I answer, “Um, I don’t know. Spot? Rover?”

“No, silly. His dog is named Ribsy!”

“Henry and Ribsy.” I nod. “That’s pretty good.”

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