Page 108 of Child of Mine

“Did something happen this morning?”

A pained expression crosses his face. When he doesn’t answer, I ask, “Did you run into an old colleague at the studio?” My heart thuds in panic. “Did they offer you a job? Are you going back there?”

Half surprised, half angry, he demands, “Do you really think I’d do that?”

I sink into my seat. “Well, I don’t know. I mean, it could be tempting.”

“You think I’d just up and leave Lilah, right when we’ve begun to connect? Do you really think that little of my ability to be a father?”

My hand reaches for him, even as my body shrinks away. My voice, thankfully, has the sense to apologize. “I’m sorry. It’s a bad habit… to assume that I’ll—we’ll—get abandoned.”

He doesn’t shrug off my hand. Nodding, he says, “I know. I’m just… I can’t stop thinking about my dad.”

Rubbing my hand up and down his upper arm, I keep my mouth shut to give him space to continue.

“I just miss him,” he says, his voice ragged. “And I wish I had the chance to make things right. Like you did.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “That must feel terrible.”

When he glances over at me briefly, he’s tortured but determined. “I need you to have faith in me. I need you to believe that I won’t do the same to Lilah.”

Stroking the side of his face from his cheekbone to his soft beard, I whisper, “I’m going to fuck up, Hal. Parents do. But we’ll work together, and we’ll do our best. That’s all we can hope for.”

Leaning into my palm, he just nods. My heart breaks for him.

And falls even further for him.

* * *

When we stopto get gas halfway back to Boston, I need to pee no matter how disgusting the bathroom. It’s not as bad as it could be, but I get through the process as quickly as possible anyway.

After I wash my hands, I pause to fix my ponytail, and my gaze is caught by my reflection in the wavy metallic surface of this restroom’s excuse for a mirror. Before we left Nancy’s this morning, she’d flipped through a file box and pulled out two photos. It seemed to pain her to give them up, especially since I’d refused to return the others, but when she handed them over, she said, “It’s important to hang on to your memories.”

I’ve been staring at those photos for the past half hour. One is from my first day on the set ofAs the Earth Revolves. In it, I’m still Izzy, braids and all, ready to conquer the world. The other was taken right after they cut my hair for the role of Quinn. I loved that Stevie Nicks-style shag.

Now, even if I squint in the smeared mirror, Izzy and Quinn don’t magically appear to give me sage advice or even terrible advice. But when I turn my head from side to side, I can see them both in my profile. Maybe it’s time that I follow Jess’s example and find a therapist to help me integrate my past with my present. I could also stand to work through some of my fears around being an addict.

Meanwhile, the voices in my head may have faded over the past weeks, but I can still meet life with Izzy’s drive and optimism, even while Quinn’s world-weary cynicism keeps it all real. I can be silly—even if there’s no way I can still do a back walkover—but I can also have sex with the man I love that’s hotter than anything any soap writer could even imagine.

This trip to New York closed the book on two major storylines in my life, either of which could’ve ended tragically. But my dad didn’t abandon me; he was just doing his best to deal with the shitty hand he was dealt in life. And because of Henry and his friend Joe, I’m free to own, and maybe even share, my biggest secret.

Well, not the biggest. I’m grateful that Nancy never found out about Lilah—or maybe just wasn’t interested. I guess that’s the other thread that’s no longer hanging. My secret baby has a dad. He loves me.

And I think that maybe it’s time I own up to loving him, too.

* * *

HENRY

As Bella slips back into the passenger seat and clicks the seatbelt, she’s subdued, but not like she’s upset. Without planning to, I take her hand and kiss her knuckles.

“I love you, you know,” I say, even as the skin around her eyes tightens.

“You don’t have to keep saying it.”

“Can’t help it.” After giving her hand another kiss, I put the truck in gear.

She’s quiet for a bit, and my mind drifts to Lilah and Ribsy and the work we have to get back to. When she eventually says something, she’s so quiet I don’t quite hear her. “Sorry, what?”

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