Page 48 of Child of Mine

“Right, which wouldn’t have helped me find you.”

“I’m… I’m sorry I left. And I’m sorry, I…” Picturing her reading a pregnancy test and not knowing how to contact me has my heart squeezing with empathy, but indignation slams that out of the way. “What about the past few weeks? It didn’t occur to you that it would be a good idea to tell me I had a kid? Before we slept together again?”

Fingers claw through her hair, a sweaty mess from the exertion of the play. “I did—I mean, I tried, but”—her hands flap in the small space, her head shakes—“it was… I didn’t know how. It’s all so fucking complicated and an unbelievable mess, and I love how things are with just the two of us—Lilah and me, I mean. I didn’t know how to deal with this”—her hands draw lines between us—“and I couldn’t figure out how or what to tell you.”

She bangs the back of her head against her seat. “I am sorry.” Facing me, tears run down her face and I have to steel myself against the feelings the sight stirs. “I know I fucked this up, but I was afraid.”

“Of me?”

Her hands circle in the air. “Not of you, like, personally but of… I guess of the unknowns. Mostly, I guess I was afraid of losing her.”

“You think I’d try to take her away from you? What kind of asshole do you think I am?”

“I don’t know what kind of asshole you are,” she snaps. “I hardly know you at all, Henry.”

“Well, I may be the kind of asshole that kids don’t like, but I’m not the kind of asshole that sues a perfectly good mom for custody. Okay?”

After an excruciatingly long silence, she meets my gaze. “Okay.”

* * *

BELLA

A perfectly good momis what he called me. But am I?

The weight of one lie has lifted, even as the other hangs over my head like an anvil. And not like inLooney Tunes, where the character gets squashed only to shake it off moments later. If Henry knew I was—am—an addict, would he still think I was such a good mom?

You’ve done it now. You may as well tell him everything,Quinn says.

But what if—what if he thinks she’s unfit as a mother?Izzy asks.That she’s a danger to Lilah? He could go to court and try and take her away. That could scar Lilah forever.

If my conscience can’t even figure out what’s right, then there’s no need to do all the confessing right now. It doesn’t really have anything to do with Henry or with Lilah’s paternity, anyway. Not really.

So… one problem at a time, right?

I suppose,Izzy sighs.

Works for me,Quinn agrees.But what about sex with Henry? Is that back on the table?

Hanging onto the one-problem-at-a-time mantra, I force words to leave my mouth. “Okay. Um. So, what do you want? How… I mean, in what way do you want to be Lilah’s parent? You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything. We are fine as we are. She’s fine. She has my mom and me.”

“You want me to back off?” he asks, like he’s telling me to back off.

He’s sexy when he’s mad,Quinn whispers.

“No, I’m not saying that.” What I’m doing is trying to keep my voice calm, like a good mother would. “I’m asking what you want. From everything I know about child psychology, it seems important that we be clear before we rock Lilah’s world with this information. It’s not fair to her if you just, like, pop in with ‘Oh, hey, I’m your dad now’ and then ‘Whoops, I’m not really interested,’ or ‘Sorry, I’m moving back to Raleigh, and I’m not going to be around anymore.’ You know?”

He opens his mouth like he’s ready to continue arguing, but after a quick headshake, he closes it. Opens it. Closes it. Finally, he says, “You’re right.”

Before I can plow on, he holds up a hand. “You weren’t right to lie to me. You’re not off the hook for that. But this is all… big news. For me, for the rest of my family.”

“As it will be for Lilah, who is about to turn six,” I remind him.

“It’s not like I want to punish her because you screwed up,” he says, testy again.

“Excuse me. Did you wear a condom when we had sex in New York?”

He drags a hand over his mouth before answering. “No. I didn’t. I assumed you had it covered.”

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