Page 69 of Child of Mine

I just point at the steering wheel. “Drive. I’ll tell you on the way, but I seriously don’t want to be late.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “Okay, okay, but I want to know all.”

Because, like Jess, Ben has shared secrets with me, I owe it to him to give it to him straight. Everything that I can talk about anyway. So, after making it clear that it’s something I haven’t yet talked about publicly, I give him the quick and dirty version of the story. Well, not too dirty.

He just shakes his head when I’m finished. “You know, it’s weird. I wondered about Lilah’s father when I first met her, but then you two were such a perfect duo that it was like a father was extraneous.”

“Like she just popped out of my armpit fully formed?”

“Maybe not exactly like that.”

“Yeah, well, he was kind of extraneous. Until he wasn’t. Isn’t,” I correct. “She’s getting pretty attached pretty fast.”

He shoots me a sly look. “And what about you?”

“What do you mean?”

My attempt at an innocent tone clearly falls flat. “You may be a good actress, but you’re a terrible liar. And that guy. I’ve never felt laser rays of jealousy shoot at me like that before.”

“Well, you didn’t help.”

“Really? I thought I was playing gay best friend for you.”

A snort of laughter escapes out my nose. “You’re not that good of an actor. Speaking of which, how is the love of your life? How are you two doing with the long-distance thing? Are you going back to North Carolina?”

“Not unless there are reshoots. The film’s wrapped.”

“And you and Lucy…?”

“Things are great.” His smile is so wide as he goes on to talk about her and their busy lives and how they’re making it all work, I’m the one with a jealous heart—not of him and Lucy, but of what they have. The kind of relationship I wrote off years ago but has been dangling in front of my nose as a possibility of late.

“And how about you? What’s this I hear about you working on the other side of the camera?”

“It’s true. An opportunity came up, and I couldn’t say no.”

“Because it’s something you’ve wanted to do? Like from when you were working on the soap?”

“No. Not at all. Frankly, it was because we needed the money.”

He nods as he steers the car into the park that serves as the company’s summer home. “I get it. Shakespeare Boston doesn’t exactly pay the bills. It’s basically gas and beer money. I’d hate for you to give up acting, though. You’re so talented.”

“I appreciate that, but… I’m not sure it can be a career for me. When I was a full-time actress, I wasn’t healthy. Doing it for the love of it is one thing, but having to show up nine to five—”

“You mean five to ten?”

“Right. AM to PM. You know what I’m talking about. How do you deal with the stress? Having to create on demand? Putting your whole self on the line like that?”

After parking, he asks, “Was that hard for you?”

Legally, I can’t share the details of my addiction and stint in rehab with anyone, but that doesn’t mean I can’t share with a close friend how it all made me feel. “It was. When I got pregnant, it was way too easy of a choice to give it all up. It was actually a relief.” We have a few more minutes before curtain, so I ask, “How did you deal with it? How do you now? Having your life out there for everyone to see?”

“Well…” He looks out over the trees that frame the lot. “When I was modeling, I didn’t really care about any of it, so I always kept a little part of myself back.”

“But you can’t do that as an actor. At least I can’t.”

“Yes and no. I mean, the part of me that loves Lucy, that belongs to her, that’s always tucked away. I think our relationship keeps me grounded too. So I don’t start thinking that what I’m doing is really important.”

“You don’t think it’s important? Making people feel things?”

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