Page 78 of Child of Mine

The pain in her voice, in her expression—in her entire posture—takes my broken heart and rips it in two. As much as it hurts to feel her pain, I’d rather have it than nothing, so I scoot as close as I can, pressing my thigh against hers. “I don’t know much about addiction, but I’ll help any way I can. I’ll watch her if you need to go to a meeting or… whatever you need.”

“That’s the thing.” After a few beats, eyes on the floor, she says, “There is another reason why I didn’t tell you. I don’t go to AA meetings or anything like that because I’m not allowed to. It’s always been a carefully kept secret. The circle of people that know about this is very small. The network paid for all my rehab, but I had to sign away so many things.” Her lips flatten into a hard line. “They didn’t want to be blamed for the fact that I was underage and using while working on a set, and my parents and agent just wanted to get me clean. They also felt like keeping it secret would protect my reputation, so we agreed to never talk about it. Any of it.”

She sits up abruptly. “I mean, I don’t want it to get out either. I don’t want Lilah to get dragged into whatever circus it might create. Plus, how do you think Carol would feel if she learned there’s a drug addict working with the impressionable preteens onBoom?”

“You’re hardly a crack mom, Bella.”

“That’s because I’m lucky! Because I got cleaned up before that was an option. Because I’m terrified of needles. Because I was a rich white girl. If any of those things were different, I’d be dead.”

Clearly, she’s not exaggerating and I fear that she’s right. After holding my breath for a few beats, to make sure she’s finished, I just hold out my hand, palm up.

She just stares at it. “What’s that mean?”

“It means I want to be your partner in this. I’m here for Lilah, but I’m here for you too, Bella. I’m here to give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or whatever you need.”

* * *

BELLA

This man has me so discombobulated my conscience has given up. I’ve got no fight left, so I let him take a bit of my load. Literally. I just lean in his direction, and he catches me. His arm drapes over my shoulder, and—dammit—it’s just right. Not heavy, not tentative. It just pulls me into his side where I fit perfectly. Our breathing slows, and the familiar scent of his aftershave calms my wildly beating heart. I’m not sure how long we sit there on the floor of his apartment. I feel safe tucked under his chin, but my butt is not happy on the hardwood floor. When I wiggle in an attempt to find a more comfortable position, he grunts, “C’mere.”

Just like he did at camp, just like he did the day we met, he scoops me into his arms and carries me to his bedroom. Setting me carefully on my feet next to the bed, he pulls down the covers and points at the phone. “Call and leave your mom a message. I’ll sleep on the couch if you want me to, but you’re staying here tonight.”

I open my mouth in an attempt to argue, but when nothing comes out, he wraps his palm around the back of my neck and pulls me in for a hug. After he whispers, “You don’t have to do it all alone,” he releases me. “I’m just going to take Ribsy out. I’ll be right back.”

It terrifies me to even consider letting go of control, but I don’t have the energy to push back anymore, so I do as he says. My mom doesn’t answer the phone, meaning she’s probably still entertaining. I leave a message, not caring what she thinks. I go to his bathroom and borrow his toothbrush and then strip down to a tank and underwear and crawl under the covers. I’m suddenly so very tired, but when he gets back, I can’t help speaking a string of words more truthful than any I’ve uttered in recent memory. “I want you to sleep here.”

The moment his arm pulls me in to nestle against his chest, the only thought I have left is that I could sleep here forever.

Chapter 16

“TALENT TODAY WITH… Belinda Goodwin. After our waitress stops by to offer more coffee, the beautiful leading lady fromWeeks of Our Lives(she plays Carol) emphasized that physical beauty was not the only consideration for her when looking for a partner, though she does admire a man who has a fit physique. ‘Truly, a beautiful mind is far more important than surface appeal,’ she claims. (Though readers who pay attention know that her most recent beau was the ruggedly handsome Trevor Wright fromOne Way to Live!)”TV Tattler, August 1989

HENRY

In my dream, Bella rolls on top of me and drops kisses up my neck until she gets to my earlobe, which she takes between her teeth. The sensual nip has my hands gripping her ass, pulling her into my rock-hard erection. Her moan matches mine before she drags her teeth away from my ear to bring her lips to mine. I’m just thinking that this is the best dream ever when she gasps and breaks the kiss.

“Shit,” she whispers. “What the fuck?”

My eyes flutter open to discover that the dream seems to have slid into the home base of reality.

“I am so sorry, Hal,” she says, starting to pull away.

“Hey,” I whisper. Gripping a perfectly round butt cheek with one hand, I cup her flushed jaw in the other until her eyes meet mine. “Maybe we should listen to our bodies. They seem to know we’ve got a good thing here.”

She drops her forehead to my chest with a frustrated groan, but she doesn’t move away. “I want to, Hal—Henry, I mean. I want to so much. But I’m afraid.”

Stroking her soft hair, I ask, “Tell me. Get it out of your head. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I become more addicted to you than I already am, and then we can’t make it work.”

My ego needs to hear more, so I convince myself that it’s in the service of Bella to ask, “You’re addicted to me?”

“Look at me. I can’t be near you without wanting to get naked with you. You’re like diet pills.”

“Because sex with me helps you lose weight?”

She shakes her head and rolls off of me but doesn’t move away from my side. “Diet pills are a baby junkie’s high. Problem is, they just scratch the itch in a way that makes it burn. Touching you is the same.”

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