Page 45 of The Single Dad's Guide to Recreation

Phone sex has been kind of fun, liberating even, but it’s getting to the point where my Petunia is aching to be filled with his Richard. I assigned “Bed Chem” as his ringtone, and I’m definitely manifesting every time he calls. Even a text notification from him has me crossing my legs and grabbing my phone like a teenager.

Josh

Just found out that my parents will be home the first two full weekends in Oct

Me

I’ll check with my sibs

Crossing my fingers, I type a message into the group chat my brother, sister, and I use to keep in touch. I’ve already broached the idea of me needing a break from full-time parent care, so I’m hoping one of them can step up.

Me

Remember when I talked about trying to leave town for a weekend? Anybody available to stay with Mom and Dad 10-5 or 10-12 weekend?

My siblings are busy people, and they say watched pots don’t boil, so I make myself leave my phone in my room and go down to the kitchen to clear out my parents’ email and pay bills. By the time I’m balancing the checkbook, a bowl of ice cream is required. But I get it done, and then, hoping to find a reward, I jog back to my room.

Unbelievably, my brother and sister have had a full-on conversation in my absence. Turns out my sister Carol and her wife are available one of the weekends I suggested. My brother even adds his regrets.

Switching over to the text thread with Josh, I give him the dates and hope he’s still free.

Josh

Perfect! I’m putting it in the family calendar *in pen* rn, and I’ll book a place tomorrow.

Me

Can’t wait

Josh

Let me know if you have any requests

Me

For the whoopee making?

Josh

For the hotel

Me

I’ll shut up now

Josh

Me

XXOO

night

Josh

Sweet dreams

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, my dreams are not going to be anywhere near as sweet as my words.

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