Page 121 of The Prodigal Son

“Isaac, listen…”

I freeze.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

No.

“It’s not your fault.” His voice cracks.

Stop.

“I just…don’t think I can be the man you need.”

“What happened?” I ask while staring at the blank wall of my room on the bus.

“Nothing happened,” he lies. I can hear it in his voice.

“Don’t lie to me, Jensen. What…happened?”

“Isaac, please listen to me.”

“No!” I shout. “You’re not going to fucking break up with me over the phone!” I stand up in a rage, my heart pounding in a panic. “We love each other, Jensen. You can’t do this.”

“Isaac, stop!” he shouts through the phone.

“No, you stop! Did those motherfuckers get in your head? What happened? Did you talk to one of them? Or was it my dad? Did he find you? Don’t listen to their bullshit!”

“It’s not bullshit, Isaac. It’s real life, and we can’t just pretend we live in a bubble all the time because no matter what we do, we have to answer to God.”

It feels like he’s just punched me in the stomach. “You think God would judge us for the way we love each other? Is that what you honestly think, Jensen?”

He’s quiet. All I can hear is his breathing, and it sounds like my soul shattering.

“I have to believe that, Isaac.”

He’s crying. I can hear the pain in his voice, the tears on the line. And I’m filled with so much anger and sadness I don’t know how to react. I can’t handle the agony.

“You were never going to be there, were you?” I ask, and it feels like my heart is splitting in half. “I was never going to be anything more than your dirty secret.”

He makes a hiccuping sound and I fight the urge to scream.

“Answer me, Jensen. You’re breaking my heart, so you can at least give me this much. Tell me the truth.” My voice reeks of vitriol as I spit my words at him through the phone.

“No,” he whispers sadly. “We never had a future.”

I squeeze my phone so hard it feels like it could crack. The pain morphs into rage. My face feels bright red as I clench my teeth and shut my eyes tight.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” I whisper.

“Isaac—”

Before he can say another word, I punch the end call button. My legs are bouncing erratically, like I might detonate at any moment. I’m so mad at him. So mad at myself. So mad at my stupid fucking heart for thinking he could change for me. He tried to tell me. He tried to warn me that he had been through too much. That he could never give me himself, but I didn’t ask for much. I just wanted to love him.

I still want to just love him.

Why can’t we just do that? Even in the privacy of our own homes. We could just be happy together. Why, why, why.

The worst part is that he actually thinks the lies they’ve put in his head. He tried to make me believe it too. He thinks we’re a sin. I’ll never be able to change his mind. Never.

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