But most of all I hated the fact that I was the reason for it.
I wanted to sink into those eyes, but I just couldn’t, and so I kept my focus on the sheet in front of me and began the only place I could. “I’m so fucking sorry for disappearing on you,” I said quietly. “I have no excuse except that I had some stuff to work out in my head.”
“Cam?” Reuben tipped my chin up with his finger. “I need you to look at me, please. You’re scaring me.”
I was scaringhim?
But I did as he said, and he wriggled onto his side to face me. He looked so... worried that I ran a finger across his soft collar and smiled. “Look at you. I bet that feels better.”
“It does.” He watched me with a quizzical look. “But I don’t want to talk about me. Where have you been?”
I trailed my finger along his jaw and over his lips, marvelling at the plump softness and wanting nothing more than to sink my own against them, to forget about this conversation.
He grabbed my hand and tucked it against his chest. “Cam.”
I sucked in a shaky breath and blew it out slowly. “I went home and saw Cory—he’s good, by the way. I had a shower and something to eat, a chat with Mum, and then I came back.”
He raised an accusing brow. “You lefttenhours ago.”
“I know. I stopped by the ER to talk with Michael and Sandy.”
“Rather than be here?” Confusion filled his eyes. “I missed you,” he said, and guilt wedged my heart a little further open. “I wanted you here for the rounds and the results and the visit from the coaches. It didn’t feel right not having you by my side. We’re supposed to be doing this together, isn’t that what we talked about? For Christ’s sake, Cam, what’s going on? And if you mention the word nothing, I will completely lose my shit, do you understand me?”
Shit. Showtime.
I nodded and pulled my clammy hand free of his. Then I shoved both of them under my thighs and forced myself to look at him. “Promise to hear me out. You can ask questions but just don’t give up on me too soon.”
“Yes, finally! Jesus, Cam, I’ll promise anything if you’ll just fucking talk to me.”
“Okay, okay.” I drew a sharp breath. “Well, remember what you said about not wanting me to simply be the partner who handles everything your career throws at us; the whole team idea thing; that you wanted me to let you walk alongside...” I hesitated. “That I had to stop protecting you.”
His cheeks pinked. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that. I didn’t mean it to come out quite as strongly as it did. That wasn’t fair to you. And the timing sucked. After everything you’ve done—”
Oh god.I winced. “No. You were right. And the timing was actually pretty perfect.”
His brow furrowed. “Then I don’t understand.”
I blinked slowly, then continued. “Remember you said we were getting married on Saturday and that you’d been waiting your whole life for that?”
The frown deepened. “Of course I remember that. What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that we’re not.”
His eyes widened. “Not what?”
I sent a silent prayer out into the universe. “We’re not getting married on Saturday.” I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer.
“What do you mean we’re not getting married?” he said, incredulous.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “I cancelled, or postponed it, I guess, yesterday afternoon.”
“You what? You... why the hell would you do that?” His gaze rolled up to the ceiling and his head fell back. “Oh, fuck.”
“I’m sorry, Reu—”
“Shh.” He held up a hand and continued to stare at the ceiling. “Just give me a minute, please.”
I snapped my mouth shut and played with the hem of the hospital sheet, slowly unravelling a loose thread until I felt the burning weight of his eyes fall back on me. I steeled myself before I looked up, but it didn’t help.