Page 103 of In Step

“You don’t have to feel guilty about building a life and career for yourself,” I said, immediately regretting the words when his smile faded because, yeah, look at what that did to us. “How are the Christmas plans going? Has Leroy popped a blood vessel yet?”

Kane chuckled. “He’s got no one to blame but himself. After all, he agreed to Fox’s suggestion to have an open house Christmas lunch up at the homestead for friends and family. I guess neither of them expected the numbers to swell to almost thirty, and Leroy’s threatening a menu of mussel soup, mussel salad, barbecued mussels on the half shell, and mussel linguini. He’s running around in a panic, wrapping secret Santa gifts and throwing tinsel like the angriest elf you ever saw. And wait for it. Fox bought them matching pyjamas for Christmas day. Fox’s pair says,Spreading the Christmas Queerwhile Leroy’s says,I’m The Happy Gay Elf.”

I barked out a laugh. “Oh. My. Fucking. God. I’d pay good money to see Leroy in those. You have to send me a photo.”

“I will.”

The moment stretched out. “I wish I could be there.”

“Yeah, me too.” His gaze slid to something in the room and then back to me. “I’m sorry about ditching our calls last week.” His cheeks reddened and I wanted to dive through the screen and tell him it was okay, that I understood. “It’s hard... doing this. Harder than I thought. And when you said you might not make it back for as long as you hoped, I—” He sighed. “—well, I didn’t handle it very well.”

“I’m sorry. I know it fucks things up for us.”

“I started to think I shouldn’t be doing this, dragging this out while pretending I don’t live for these fucking calls.” His head dropped and he wiped at his eyes. Then he looked up. “But not talking to you has been driving me crazy. I know we said no promises and that we’d just keep the door open, but... it’s hard, Abe. Maybe too hard.” A furry blur walked in front of the screen and Kane reached to grab him. “Bossy, get off.”

He disappeared for a few seconds and the screen went topsy turvy while he dealt with the feline interloper. Meanwhile, I pictured him and the cats curled up in his bedsit, the windows open to the summer breeze off the bay, the harsh cry of seagulls on the air.

“Damn cat.” Kane reappeared. “Yeah, so anyway, I haven’t decided anything yet, but I’m not sure I can just keep on doing what we’re doing.”

I stared at him, lost in those deep-blue eyes, and tried not to drown. A careless lock of blond hair hung caught on a lash and I remembered the way those strands felt in my fingers.

“I get it, you know?” I answered. “I miss you too... so much.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “But I know that doesn’t help any. I don’t know what to say, Kane. I don’t want to lose you.”

He said nothing for a bit while I tried to get my head together. Was this it? Was this the beginning of the end? A wave of panic sliced through me.

“I know. Me too.” Kane shot me a pained smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and I sensed a distance between us that was new. “My lawyer called today.” He changed the subject. “Dad signed.”

I shot bolt upright. “He what?” Kane’s father had been screwing around for weeks and Kane was mad as hell, thinking that maybe Gerald really would take it to court just to fuck with him. “Thank God. I’m so pleased for you. Oh. My. God. That’s the best news.” I wanted to haul him through the screen and kiss him senseless, take him to bed and show him just how happy I was for him, dance with him in that tiny but perfectly formed home we’d shared for too few weeks. But I couldn’t do any of it.

And whose fault is that?

A smile stole over Kane’s face. “I know, right? He’s putting the farm on the market next month. I’m calling Jacklyn this week. I just wanted you to know.”

Just wanted me to know.The kind of thing you said to a friend and I fucking hated it.

“You finish New York in two weeks right?”

I nodded. “I got the Berlin contract today. I get a week off between.”

Kane nodded but said nothing, and I had no answer either. There was no way to fit a trip home in a week. The silence grew.

Kane glanced back at the clock on the kitchen wall, a Christmas garland strung festively above it. “Look, I should really get going if I want to check in with vet tech school first.” He stared at me, opening his mouth to speak before closing it again, as if changing his mind. Finally, he sighed. “I miss you, Abe. I’m not gonna lie. Nothing about that has changed. And I love you, so fucking much.” He hesitated and blew out a breath. “I guess right now, I just don’t know where we’re going.”

My heart leapt at those three words we hadn’t said to each other since I’d left. “I love you too, more than I can say. Just promise we’ll talk first, before you decide anything. In two weeks, I’m done here. Can we think, and then talk about it then?”

Kane hesitated, then nodded, pressing his open palm to the screen. “Okay.”

I covered his hand with mine and it felt so much like goodbye, I couldn’t speak.

His video closed to black but I couldn’t move my hand, leaving it flat against the cool screen as I replayed every word he’d said. We were drifting apart, and I felt every centimetre of it like a rip to my soul. I snapped my hand away, slammed the laptop shut, and paced the tiny room. Ten steps to the window, ten steps back to the front door, but instead of wood under my feet, I felt wet sand and the sound of a lapping tide.

My pacing took me to the perfume bottle on the bedside table and its sandy treasure from Painted Bay. I shook the bottle and watched the sand fall like a summer snow globe.

What the hell was I doing here?

I spun and threw the bottle across the room. It hit the door and shattered, thick shards raining with sand to the floor.

“Oh, fuck!” I ran across and fell to my knees, scooping up what I could and carrying it to the kitchenette where I funnelled it into a cup. Then I swept the broken glass into a dustpan and dropped it in the bin—the soft close of the lid like a coffin.

---