Page 45 of In Step

There was wonder and joy and a shy gratitude that was so fucking addictive I didn’t know what to do with it. And it stood in stark contrast to the way he shielded so much of himself from others. Always alone, always so careful, like he never expected anyone to stick around.

I slid an arm around Kane’s waist and tugged him toward me. He stiffened but rolled onto his side, his gaze skipping on and off mine, a deep red staining his cheeks, a slight tremble in his body. I cradled his face, registering the sharpness to his cheekbones in a new light along with the slight gauntness to his body, and I waited until his eyes finally settled on mine.

And when they did, I kissed him, long and slow, savouring his soft lips, my tongue sliding languidly alongside his, my heart tripping in my chest. He melted deeper into my embrace with every second that passed, and at the end of the kiss, I kept our foreheads together and watched his eyes flutter closed above damp cheeks.

“Did you think I’d run?” I kissed both his closed lids and he shuddered, sliding his face to the side to burrow against my neck. I rolled onto my back, taking him with me so he lay on top, spreading my legs so he fitted between, and wrapping him in my arms.

“Yes.” He breathed against my neck, then rested his cheek on my collarbone.

“How long, baby?” I blinked hard at the endearment that rolled off my tongue without permission, but Kane seemed not to notice.

“Nine years,” he murmured.

I did the math. “You were still in university?”

He nodded, swallowing hard enough for me to hear. “I was diagnosed halfway through my final year. I never actually finished my degree, so I couldn’t have taught even if I wanted to. I might not have been out at uni—I’m pretty sure Dad wouldn’t have let me put one foot back on the farm if I had been—but there were more than a few bathroom and party hook-ups who got up close and personal with me. Not the best experiences, but I wasn’t exactly picky.”

I shot Kane a sympathetic look, but he just shrugged. “It is what it is. I didn’t take enough care and I wasn’t always safe. I grabbed whatever dirty sex scraps were on offer, quick and anonymous, and some of it was pretty bad. Being in the closet will do that to you. No one else to blame. I totally fucked myself.”

“Whoa, whoa.”I rolled us both onto our sides so I could see his face, and the shame and misery in his eyes struck deep in my chest. “It happens. It sucks, but it’s not possible to be a hundred percent safe. Life doesn’t work that way.”

His gaze slid off mine. “I only found out I was positive because a bunch of classmates were doing a drive to push regular testing and dragged me along.” He shook his head, clearly disgusted with himself.

“Hey.” I stroked his cheek. “After everything you’d been through as a kid, I’m not surprised that you didn’t think you were someone worth taking care of.”

He stared at me, his brain working through the idea. “Maybe,” he finally admitted. “But the crazy thing was, as soon as I was diagnosed, I was hell-bent on beating the disease. In some ways, HIV did what nothing else had been able to. It woke me the fuck up. I stopped drinking, changed to a vegetarian diet, and just generally got healthy. I’m still too skinny. The drugs kicked my arse at the beginning, and I still struggle to put on weight.”

I kissed the single tear rolling down his cheek, my heart in fucking pieces for him. “Can I ask what your labs are like?”

His gaze jerked to mine. “I wouldneverput you oranyoneat risk.”

I put a finger to his lips. “I’m pretty sure I know that. Just asking.”

He sighed. “My viral load is undetectable. It took me well over a year to get there because they kept changing my bloody drug regime, not that it mattered. I was so fucking terrified of passing it on, my sex drive practically disappeared overnight. By the time it started nudging again, I was back on the farm, and yeah, it’s all just seemed too fucking complicated.”

He got up on an elbow and scanned the room. “Wait here.” He scrambled out of bed, grabbed his phone from the kitchen, and then held out his latest results for me to read.

I looked and nodded. “Thanks. But you’re not required to tell me your HIV status unless we were gonna have unprotected sex, right? I never thought you’d put me at risk, Kane.”

He stared at me for a few seconds, then slid his phone on the bedside table and crawled straight back into my arms. “I just wanted you to be sure.”

I tucked him into my side and started playing with his hair, enjoying the feel of the silken strands against my fingers. “How long since you’ve been with a guy, foranything?”

He slung a leg over my thighs and burrowed closer. “Since I was diagnosed.”

My fingers froze in his hair. “Nine years? Fucking hell.”

He snorted. “I know, right? Do you think they give out medals for that?”

“They bloody well should. How’s your wrist?”

He gave my nipple a hard tweak. “Fuck you.”

I kissed the top of his head and whispered, “That can be arranged.”

His gaze jerked up, eyes wide. “What? No. What we did tonight was... great. Amazing. And I’m really fucking grateful. But we can’t do anything more.”

“Grateful? You make it sound like I picked up your groceries for you. I wanted you, Kane. Istillwant you.”

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