Page 13 of Flare

I managed a half-smile for the guard and then made my way to a spot by the window to let Jack and his mother talk. The guard tracked my movement with a frown until I gestured toward the others and made a talking motion with my hand. She relaxed her shoulders and nodded. I’d never get used to the crushing sense of being watched and judged.

Hills Women’s Prison was an older style institution geared more toward high-risk prisoners and repeat offenders, but with pressure on the system, this was where Serena ended up. It wasn’t ideal, but it was only an hour from Auckland and we managed most Saturdays, coping with the whole ritual of signing in and out, random car searches, bag checks and metal detectors, and even a pat down on occasion. There’d been early talk of moving Serena to the new women’s prison, Bayfield, just north of the city, and I had my fingers crossed. With its pod-style family type accommodation for low-risk offenders, it had to be better than this.

I looked from table to table as Serena and Jack talked. Voices bounced around in my head—some angry, some sad, some laughing, some quiet, and a few choked tears. Kids played in the children’s area and prisoners cast wistful looks their way. Beyond the wall to the prison itself, a clattering of metal was followed by loud swearing, and I remembered Serena said the kitchens were opposite.

There was always noise, she said, and it had been one of the hardest things for her to adjust to, especially at night—crying, shouting, banging on doors. A real-life house of horrors, and she’d spent the first month curled in a ball against the wall with a pillow over her head.

Janice waved at me from a corner table where she was visiting with her daughter who was doing yet another stint for cooking and selling meth. I waved back. Her daughter had been an addict for five years and Janice had quietly told me that these visits had been some of the best times she and her daughter had spent together since her daughter was a teenager.

I had no words. What the hell did you say to something like that?

Serena motioned me over, the guard’s hot-needle gaze on my back the whole way. Jack glanced up from staring at the table with a sullen look in place, face flushed, jaw set, and I sensed his simmering fury at her hypocrisy. It would likely be me, not Serena, who reaped the fallout.

So far, Jack had kept his anger at his mother banked, even though it seeped from every pore of his body. He was riddled with hurt and frustration and the kind of disappointment no child should ever feel about their parent—two fist-sized holes in his bedroom wall, a lake of tears hidden between his sheets when he didn’t think I could hear, and the withdrawal of the kind and generous kid I used to know all bore sad witness to that.

I idly wondered what tonight would have in store.

I hated this. Hated coming here. Hated seeing my sister locked up. Hated that I couldn’t be what Jack needed. Hated that I was having to tell Serena, yet again, about something Jack had done and feeling that it was somehow my fault. Not that Serena ever said that, but I felt it. This wasn’t supposed to be my life—suddenly responsible for a hurt and grieving teenager. I wasn’t ready and I clearly didn’t have what it took. I was failing dismally, and Jack was bearing the cost.

Serena’s hand landed on mine and I looked up to find my sister’s grey-blue eyes soft on mine. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t blame yourself.” Her gaze flicked to Jack, who’d gone still.

Jack shook his head in disgust. “Everyone’s making such a big deal out of i—”

“Be quiet.” Serena eyeballed her son. “Itisa big deal. A huge one. And you’re lucky to have Beck. If you’d stayed at Grandad’s in Napier, it would’ve meant only seeing me every couple of months.”

Jack’s jaw worked. “Whatever.”

“And dear god, if I hear that one more time out of your mouth, I’m gonna scream.” She slumped in her chair and sighed. “Please, Jack. It’s hard enough being in here—”

“That wasyourchoice,” Jack spat, and my gaze jerked to my sister who suddenly paled. “That hadnothingto do with me.”

Oh, oh.

“Noneof this is my fault.” His voice climbed and heads started to turn. “It wasn’t me who stole a fuckton of money just to throw it away on the pokies. Did you even think about me once when you were sitting in that bar in front of a machine, ruining our fucking lives while I was doing my homework?”

“Jack, please,” Serena choked, reaching out a hand.

He jerked away and stood. “No, Mum.Youdid this, not me. So don’t you dare pretend you give a shit about what I do. I might’ve tried to steal a couple of cuffs, but you stole tens of thousands of dollars from your work just to shove it into slot machines.” Jack suddenly registered the hush in the room and all the faces staring our way and shrank in his chair.

“I want to go home.” His eyes pleaded with me.

Serena’s glistened and she drew a shuddering breath. “Jack, I—”

“Now.” Jack glared, hands balled at his sides as he shot to his feet and headed for the exit.

The guard was headed our way, so I grabbed Serena’s hand and squeezed. “I’ll call you tonight. We knew this was coming, Sis.”

She nodded, tears rolling down her face. “I’m sorry, Beck. I’m so, so sorry.”

I squeezed again, then waved the guard aside and followed Jack who was waiting by the exit. I refused to lift my hand from his shoulder all the way out, even when he tried to shake me off. And as soon as we were through the security checks and outside the walls, I pulled him into my arms. He fought and swore and shouted, pummelling my chest until he finally went still, his chest heaving in choked sobs.

I held tight and stroked his hair, my own cheeks wet with tears, my heart breaking for this brave kid who’d had his faith broken in the person he should’ve most been able to trust. He deserved better than me, but somehow, we had to find our way together.

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