Page 60 of Flare

“For about eighteen months. It was just after I started dating Nolan and it became clear I had a few... trust issues. And it wasn’t like I couldn’t pretend what worked for me in a club was anywhere near ‘normal.’” I used air quotes. “It certainly wasn’t going to fly in a long-term relationship. So, I gave in and agreed to get some help.”

Beck’s eyebrows popped. “Yougavein?”

I waved a dismissive hand. “It sounds worse than it was. We were both struggling, and the sex just wasn’t working for him. He wanted me to get help.”

“You’re saying he pressured you.” Statement, not question, and I couldn’t really argue.

“It wasn’t ideal, but it got me to go.”

He grimaced. “Did it help?”

“Some,” I admitted. “We talked a lot about the memory thing, and I remember her saying there’s no ‘easier’ way to experience sexual assault. Rape is rape. Assault is assault. People survive and heal in different ways. Everyone’s scars look different and that a lot of what I was feeling came under the umbrella of PTSD—flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, and all that. She gave me exercises and she wanted to do a lot more, but then Nolan up and left one day, and I stopped going.”

“He just left?” There was a ton of disapproval in Beck’s voice.

I sighed. “He was supportive at first, but things didn’t change as fast as he hoped and he got impatient, said it was too hard to remember all the things he could and couldn’t do and that I should be making more progress, said maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I didn’t really want to change. That I liked the way things were.”

Beck drew a sharp breath, looking like he had a lot to say about that before thinking better of it. But there was murder in his eyes and his silence spoke volumes, and I kind of loved him a little bit for it.

“Yeah, it fucking hurt,” I admitted. “Having him walk out after me agreeing to put myself through shit to try and help us. It sucked. Although I can’t say I blame him for leaving, just how he did it. It wasn’t easy for him. He’s a natural top. But after that, I decided I was done with boyfriends. I’d focus on the other parts of my life.”

“Hence, no kissing nice men.” Beck gave a half-smile.

I smiled. “Nonothingwith nice men. In fact, avoid nice men at all costs. Case in point.”

His fingers trailed down my cheek. “I am so fucking sorry you went through all that, and not that you need me to tell you, but you weren’t in any way responsible for what those bastards did. Doesn’t matter if you sneaked in or not. None of it was your fault.”

I locked onto those bright eyes and the outrage that burned on my behalf. “I know that now,” I said shakily. “But it’s still a process. And what happened with you the other night is part of that.”

He waited.

“I still need control for things to work. With sex, I mean, even if it’s not actually what I’d like.”

He frowned. “What would you like?”

“I’d love to be manhandled, to be topped, I just... can’t. I can’t be crowded or caged in. I’ve never given head since that night or even gotten close. Anything that makes me vulnerable freaks me out. It’s why I don’t date. I had one long-term fuck buddy before I met Nolan. Eric. He liked being submissive, which worked out fine, but in the end, he wanted more from me than I wanted to give, and it got awkward. I haven’t gone there again.

“In clubs I go for small guys I can handle and mostly just fuck them with their faces against the wall, no niceties, just get the job done and leave. All very romantic.” I slumped in my chair. “It’s horrible and I fucking hate it. And it’s not me. It’s just what has to happen for me to get off. And lately I don’t even bother. I haven’t fucked a guy in over eight months.”

Beck’s gentle gaze followed mine. “Hey, you’re just doing the best you can.”

“See.” I jabbed a finger at him. “That right there is what’s fucking me up. I love big men, but they’ve been easy to walk away from because your size generally triggers all my fears. And thenyoucome along with your gentle kisses and your flowers and your stupid damn poetry, and I can’t fucking resist you.”

Beck gave a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry?”

I was so screwed. “When we kissed outside that bar, I wanted you so fucking badly, and I gave in to it, which is a huge deal for me. Even if it didn’t work, I trusted you enough to try. Well, as much as I’m capable of right now. Sorry if that’s not exactly what you want to hear.”

“No apology needed. I get it.”

“But anyone who wants todateme needs to understand the stuff I find hard. I can panic for seemingly no reason at all. Or we could be doing something we’ve done lots of times without any trouble and then suddenly I react. It’s not predictable, there’s no safe path to tread, and it’s not an easy ride.”

Beck smiled. “Then it’s just as well I know a thing or two about difficult rides in life, isn’t it?”

And I realised, hedidknow. Maybe not about my stuff, but he got it on some level and that meant something. We held each other’s eyes as a gentle silence filled the room.

Beck was first to break it. “So, we take it slow?”

My heart thundered in my ears. “In some things, yes.”

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