Page 10 of The Mechanics of Lust

I shot a look over my shoulder to find him sitting at the small breakfast bar with its warm, autumn-toned granite top. “Coming right up.” And while I set about making the coffee, I was aware of Zach’s curious inspection of my rental, a carefully renovated 1920s two-bedroom bungalow.

“Isn’t this the Halston home?” he finally asked.

I nodded and carried the coffees to the breakfast bar. “It is. They moved to Christchurch last year but didn’t want to sell because they still have family in the area. They tried advertising it as an Airbnb but got fed up with the constant niggling damage and put it up for rental a month ago. Perfect timing for me.”

Zach’s eyes found mine, the previous night’s trials written in the spiderweb of tired lines gathered at the corners. Those gorgeous eyes were the first thing I’d noticed as he’d been putting me in my place the year before, bright green and framed by all those dark auburn waves, even though all they’d been saying at the time waswatch yourself, mister. I’ve got your number.

“I don’t get it.” He took a sip of his coffee and gave a soft grunt of appreciation. “Why would you move down here? Last I heard Air New Zealand had called wanting, according to Gil, one of their best pilots back.”

I spooned some sugar into my coffee and thought about how to answer without sounding tragic, creepy, or just downright pathetic.

Zach waited quietly, which was another thing I’d noticed about him. When he wasn’t giving me, and apparently only me, a hard time, there was a gentle, watchful quality to his presence, something that was undoubtedly part of the reason he was such a great dog trainer. Not that I saw a lot of that particular side, because the minute I appeared on his radar, the shields went up and the sharp-edged commentary began.

I set my spoon on the breakfast bar and met his watchful gaze. “Theydid,in fact, call with an offer, although they omitted thatone of their best pilotsline, an unfortunate miscalculation on their part.” My brow arched and Zach’s lips twitched. “But the truth is, I’m done with that part of my life. Don’t ask me why because I’m not sure my answer makes any sense.”

I took a swallow of the scalding hot coffee and considered how much I really wanted to say. Zach drank some of his own and as we put our mugs down, our eyes met, his as soft as I’d ever seen them, a glimpse of the man behind the walls.

It was enough.

“Since we lost Callie—” I hesitated, shifted the coffee mug fromAtoBon the granite top and then looked up again. “Well, not much of anything makes sense anymore. I figured maybe a change would help. Couldn’t hurt, right? Not like I’ve been doing a grand job of getting my life back on track before now, as you so astutely pointed out last night. The change certainly helped Gil—”

“Holdenhelped Gil,” Zach returned, then seemed to regret the interruption. “Or maybe they helped each other.” He shrugged and his gaze slid sideways over my shoulder.

It let me study him for a second and wonder how much he still felt for his friend. “I’m sure their relationship helped,” I agreed, and Zach’s gaze returned. “But Gil said there was something about this place. The landscape. That you couldn’t hide out here. Like it forces you to ask questions about yourself.”

Zach nodded like he knew exactly what I was saying. “It’s true. When you’re alone on the hill or just you and your dogs walking the beats, it’s like being in a freaking confessional. All sorts of shit bubbles to the surface. Emily used to say it’s the Mackenzie’s way of looking after its own. It’s an isolated life and you need to let stuff out. Shouting it into the mountains generally works for me. You’d be surprised by the answers you get.”

I held his gaze, feeling the first fragile threads of something like understanding begin to weave between us. “I can believe that. I felt it last year when we scattered Callie’s ashes in the Havelock River. I’m not what you’d call a spiritual guy, but I sure was that day. It hit me hard and got me thinking. The next day I drove to River Hut and took a walk up to the tarn where I threw rocks over the edge and cried my fucking eyes out until I had no strength left. Then I walked down and slept in the ute.”

Zach frowned. “I didn’t know that. I thought you’d just left us all and gone into town for the night. I didn’t understand why you would do that when Gil and Holden had worked so hard planning the weekend, and with your parents and cousin arriving—”

“I couldn’t handle being around anyone that day,” I blurted. “Gil and Holden both knew. Gil loaned me his ute.” I swallowed hard. Was I really going to do this? I guessed I was. “They had each other, see? At the river, when we scattered Callie’s ashes. Then at the meal after. And again that night. They were just down the fucking hall from me, and I lay there knowing they’d be talking about everything, sharing, wrapped in each other’s arms, and I’ve never felt so fucking lonely in all my life.”

“And you didn’t have anyone,” Zach offered with sudden realisation. Statement, not question. “I mean, I knew you didn’t at the time, I guess. But because Gil was there, and all of us, I suppose I just wasn’t thinking, and I should have.”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t have let anyone know what I was feeling. Not back then. I didn’t even tell Gil that part, just that I needed some time alone. Anyway, since that day, things haven’t improved. I’ve been doing a lot of... hiding. Too much drinking and too many men; you were right about that.” I shot Zach a sheepish smile, but his expression was unreadable. “Although to be fair, the men part stopped a while back. The job offer down here was just good timing and my therapist was in full support. It was Gil who gave me the heads-up about the opening. And since I’ve rediscovered my love of piloting choppers over this last year, it was a two-for-one deal.”

Zach’s surprise was obvious. “Gilwantedyou to move here?”

I snorted. “I don’t carry the plague, you know? Some people even like me.”

Zach’s cheeks brightened. “I didn’t mean—” He hesitated. “You know, it doesn’t matter. You and Gil were both dealt a shitty blow in life, and I hope this change works out for you. I mean that.” He finished the last of his coffee and got to his feet.

“I wasn’t looking for sympathy,” I assured him, sliding off the bar stool to join him. “You asked me why I moved and I told you. Maybe I said more than I should have. I’m just looking to move forward.”

Our eyes met and held, and there was a warmth in the exchange that had been missing earlier. “I can understand that.” His words were followed by a silence that grew to fill the small space between us until finally, he broke it. “But I should be on my way. Thanks again for the bedandthe coffee. It was surprisingly good.”

I quirked an eyebrow at the back-handed compliment. “I’ll take that as high praise from you.”

He looked to be fighting a smile. “Yeah, well. Don’t get all excited. I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders this morning.”

I chuckled. “Noted.”

His smile finally broke free, and the shock of having it directed my way stunned me speechless for a moment. And damn, I wanted a whole lot more of that. “Why not stay for breakfast?” The words were out before I could stop them. “My kitchen skills might not be as good as Gil’s, but Icancook.”

Zach hesitated, glanced behind me into the kitchen, and then shook his head. “Thanks, but no. I’ll stop by Meg’s café and grab something to eat on the drive.”

Ouch. And that’s why you shouldn’t have asked, idiot.“Right, of course. Can’t compete with that.”

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