Page 100 of The Mechanics of Lust

“He seems a good man, Zach.” Her eyes remained steady on mine.

My heart jolted in my chest and I’m pretty sure I gaped. My gaze darted to my father, but his eyes remained closed. And after a couple of thunderous heartbeats, my mother looked the other way and lowered her forehead back to her husband’s hand.

Jules wrapped a hand around my neck. “Nothing stays still, little brother.” And with that, he returned to his seat on the other side of the bed, and I went back to studying the small vulnerable man in the hospital bed who couldn’t possibly be my father.

I watched Paddy Lane for a long time. Watched his chest rising and falling. Watched his eyes flicker behind those closed lids. Watched and realised that even after everything that had happened, I still stupidly loved him. But loving Paddy Lane as my family, as my blood, as my father, didn’t mean I had to like him, or listen to him, or look for his approval.

I watched and wondered what he was thinking behind those closed eyes. What he feared about the unexpected future he faced and the inescapable changes that were about to befall him and his precious station.

I watched, and for the first time in a year, maybe in forever, I didn’t feel afraid of him anymore. Not of him, or what he thought of me, and not of a future that was still unformed in my head.

It might’ve taken me a long time to realise it, but I wasn’t Paddy Lane’s terrified and closeted gay kid anymore. And Jules was right. I wasn’t the same guy who’d walked away from Lane Station the year before, either. Or the man who’d had his heart broken. Somewhere along the way I’d changed, and Luke had played no small part in that change.

Luke.

I grabbed my jacket and went to my mother. “If you don’t need me, I’m gonna leave for a bit. I’ve got some things I need to sort out.”

My mother gave a tired smile. “Go. No point everyone sitting around here, and you must be exhausted. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. We’ll call you.”

My father’s eyes flickered open and his gaze landed on mine.

I gave him a curt nod. “I’ll be back when I can.” I couldn’t read his expression and I didn’t much care. If my father didn’t want me to visit, he was gonna have to say the actual words because I was done with his bullshit.

Jules eyed me pointedly. “Are you going to talk to him?”

I muttered, “Maybe.”

He grinned. “Then take as long as you need. Holden and Gil are driving me back tomorrow. We’re gonna have to make some changes to muster. Emily is going to stay here with Mum until I can get back. Holden has the keys to the rental if you need it.”

I all but ran to the visitors’ room and burst through the door. Three sets of startled eyes jerked my way and Holden shot to his feet. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Where is he?” I scanned the room. “Where’s Luke?”

Holden frowned. “He’s taking the chopper back to Oakwood.” He looked about to say something else when Gil interrupted.

“He’s heading back to Wellington tomorrow.” Gil ignored his boyfriend’s puzzled look.

“He’s got a—” Holden flinched liked he’d been pinched and shot Gil a scowl that I had no time to consider.

“Tomorrow?” My stomach dropped. “Why tomorrow?”

Gil shrugged and pulled Holden back into his seat while Emily watched on in silence. “You’ll have to ask him that.” He rolled his eyes and held up his left hand. “Not married anymore, remember?”

I narrowed my gaze. “What did you say to him?”

Gil’s eyes popped. “Me? About what?”

He wasn’t that ignorant. “You know damn well about what. About... us... him and me.”

Holden frowned. “I thought there wasn’t any him and you anymo—ow! Jesus!” He shot Gil a glare.

This time it was Emily who interrupted. “No onesaid anything to Luke about the two of you. You have my word.”

I trusted Emily wouldn’t lie to me, and yet there was something enigmatic in her expression.

Gil considered his nails. “Perhaps the real question is, what didyousay?”

Holden stared at Gil like he’d dropped a grenade into the room.

---