Page 59 of The Mechanics of Lust

I turned his face back to mine. “Does he? Think about it. He might’ve been stretched before you arrived last year, but the station was managing, and it still would be if you hadn’t come. From what I understand, the station hasn’t employed more than four shepherds for a while and owing to how hard it is to find one who can just slot in, Holden had no plans to change that. You were a welcome surprise.”

Zach’s green eyes turned flinty and his demeanour cooled. “Are you saying he’s only doing me a favour?”

I bit back a smile, guessing it wouldn’t go down well. “Smooth your hackles, gorgeous. I know Holden considers himself lucky to have you and relies on your experience. All I’m saying is that maybe there’s some wiggle room there.”

Zach looked... thoughtful.

I risked pressing a little more. “Are you sure your reluctance isn’t simply because you feel you owe it to Holden and Emily after what they did for you?”

Zach huffed. “Of course I do. They gave me a home, Luke. I can never repay that.”

I took his hand and brushed my lips over his knuckles. “Yes, they did. But Holden would also understand how important this is to you. He’s your best friend, Zach.”

“I know he is,” Zach murmured, running his fingers through my hair. “He’d do anything to help me out, and that’s part of why I don’t want to ask. I won’t put him in that position.” His hand dropped and his eyelids fluttered shut. “Goddamn my father. This is such a mess.”

I stroked his cheek. “Two things. One, at what point do you start claiming something for yourself and stop worrying about making other people happy?”

“But—”

“And two.” I put a finger to his lips. “How about you let Holden make his own decisions?”

“Ugh.” Zach screwed his eyes tightly shut. “I hate it when you’re right.”

I snorted. “What a surprise.”

“Okay.” He kept his eyes closed, and with a frown on his face, he looked like he was thinking it through. “But even if Holden agrees to negotiate my hours down, I’ll need to start paying rent on the cottage. I can’t stay for free if I’m only part-time. And I still have to buy dogs and sort kennelling. Doing all that on practically zero savings is going to be hard. I can sell my bike, I guess, but still.”

I pried one of his eyes open with my fingers. “Methinks you’re trying to find all the reasons why you can’t do it.”

He flicked the other eye open and rolled to face me. “I know. It just seems like... a lot.”

I cradled his face and stared into those beautiful green eyes. “I have every faith that you’ll find a way. But maybe you don’t have to come up with all the answers on your own. Talk to Holden. Trust him, and maybe trust yourself. It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow. One foot after the other, right?”

His gaze narrowed and he tapped the end of my nose. “Well,methinksyou should take some of your own advice, mister. Have faith? Trust yourself? You don’t have to do it alone? One foot after the other?” He pulled me down beside him and kissed me. “Stop finding all the reasons you can’t have a life again. You’ve made a start, Luke. You came down here to stop putting obstacles in your own path, like booze, and bars, and men, and... well, men.” He shrugged. “It was worth saying again.”

I almost smiled but I was too blown away by him calling me on my shit. It wasn’t something he’d ever done before, like it was part of his act of keeping me at a distance. But he was right. So fucking right.

“Callie’s not going anywhere,” he continued, shooting a quick glance at her photo on the dresser. “She’s always here, right?” He tapped my chest and I nodded. “So that must mean she’s waiting for you to take her on the next stage of your journey.” He hesitated, those clear eyes searching my face, glinting like emeralds in the sunlight. “You know, Gil talks a lot about Callie.” He fingered the band around my wrist. “About things she’d have loved to see or do on the station. But I’ve noticed you hardly mention her at all.”

His words hit me like a gut punch, not because he was wrong, but because I hadn’t considered anyone would care. I’d discovered early on in my grief that most people, even good friends, were happy for the awkward subject to be raised as little as possible. The fact that Zach had noticed and called me on it sent a wave of guilt through my chest.

I studied Zach’s face, the soft concern in his eyes, the gentle set to his lips, the quiet way he waited, and something in my heart gave way. “I don’t know how Gil does it,” I admitted. “He’s so much stronger than me. Every time I talk about her—Callie—I remember how badly I failed her.”

Zach scooted across, bringing us eye to eye, but said nothing, just watched and waited.

I stroked his hair, feeling the run of tears on my cheeks. “I failed my own daughter, Zach. I missed out on so much. I wasn’t there when she needed me. When they both needed me. And without Gil to talk to, someone who really understood, it was easier not to talk about her at all. I guess it became a habit.” I sucked in a shaky breath and for once didn’t shove all those messy feelings aside.

Zach ran his thumb under my eyes and brushed my lips with his. On and off. Just a reminder he was there.

I glanced over his shoulder at Callie’s photo.I’m sorry, baby. I’ll do better.“It’s almost impossible to think aboutherandnotimmediately think about the day she died, like that’s all she was,” I choked out. “I know she was so much more than that one dreadful moment, but for a long time, I couldn’t seem to hold her without holding that as well. It was too hard.”

Zach’s eyes softened and his voice dropped almost to a whisper. “I’m not religious in any way, and I sure as hell know nothing about losing a child, but I’m thinking Callie’s larger spirit or essence or whatever you call it isn’t tied to that one moment either. Watching you and Gil, it’s clear there’s no shortcut through grief. And if I had to guess, I’d say that maybe Callie’s been waiting for you to be ready to find her again in more than just the day she died.” He paused and colour flooded his cheeks, and when I didn’t answer immediately, he quickly looked away. “Then again, what the fuck would I know?”

I yanked him back around and kissed him, hard. “More than you think.” I warmed at the shy pleasure in his eyes. “And thank you.”

His flush deepened. “For what?”

“For being you.”

---