Page 64 of The Mechanics of Lust

“Of course, you know why,” he shot back, surprising me. “So shut the hell up and let it out. Besides, it’s not your fault. Making grown men cry like babies is clearly my superpower, although I have to say I’d imagined it being mostly in bed.”

I choked out a half laugh, which was kind of a miracle, all things considered. But it did the trick, and I was able to pull away and scrub my eyes with the heels of my hands. “Jesus, look at me. I’m such a fucking mess. I’ve cried enough bloody tears the last couple of years to sink a damn ship.”

Zach lifted a damp flop of hair from my eyes, letting me see his beautiful smile. “So, there’s like a law or something that says you only have an allocated number of tears deemed suitable for losing a child and then you’re done? I must’ve missed that memo.”

I gave an amused snort that was a little more productive than I’d expected, and Zach chuckled.

“Can’t take you anywhere.” He handed me the blanket we’d abandoned, and I wiped my nose and dried my face.

Feeling somewhat respectable again, I sat up. “I know you’re right. I’ll always cry.” I blew out a long, slow breath. “I just hadn’t expected...that, I suppose. And I haven’t cried in front of anyone other than Gil in a long time.” I shot him a rueful look. “People don’t know what to do with it after a while, friends included.”

Zach moved to sit cross-legged in front of me and took both my hands. “Yeah, well, most people are idiots. And if your friends get tired of it, then maybe you should raise the bar a little.”

I huffed out a laugh. “That’s pretty cutthroat.”

He shrugged. “Hey, I’m a high-country lad. We don’t have time for all the social niceties. If you’re a friend, you show up when you’re needed for as long as you’re needed. It’s not a difficult concept. Around this way, we don’t have time to come looking for you.”

I thought about my Wellington friends and how few had bothered keeping contact since I’d moved down. “Point taken. And I appreciate what you said about me not having it easier than Gil, although I’m not sure I agree. Gil couldn’t run away. He couldn’t leave it behind. He was in the car with her. He saw it happen. He heard her scream. And he had to deal with the PTSD on top of everything else. Plus, he had to do it on his own because I left him.”

Zach’s lips set in a thin line. He glanced down at our joined hands and then squeezed them... hard.

“Ow.” I shot him a disgruntled look.

“That’s for being an idiot,” he said simply. “Youbothloved Callie. Youbothlost her. You both have the same giant fucking hole in your life, you suffered the same devastation. Tell me it isn’t true.”

I couldn’t.

“Exactly.” He tipped my chin up so our gazes met. “Then why should it have been easier for you to crawl out of that hole you were drowning in to save Gil who was drowning in his own hole? Newsflash. You aren’t a superhero. So what? Neither is Gil. But you both made it through, give or take, and that’s saying something considering what you lost. I’m a total mess when one of my dogs dies, let alone a child.” His voice dropped to a hush. “You lost your daughter, Luke. I don’t think it gets much worse than that. And there is no right way, no easier or worse way to grieve. It must fucking destroy you, no matter how you look at it, and I was an arsehole not to see that straight away.”

“You had your own shit going on,” I reminded him.

“True, but still.” He squeezed my hands again. “Can I tell you something?”

My brows shot up. “This should be interesting.”

He gave me a look that needed no interpretation. “When you and Gil sprinkled Callie’s ashes in the Havelock River last year, it almost broke my fucking heart. I still don’t know how you made it through. You were so strong. Gil, at least, had Holden. But you looked so damn lonely standing there watching them float down the river. I desperately wanted to go to you, but I didn’t because—” He winced. “—see aforementioned arsehole clause. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He cradled my face and pressed his lips to mine in the gentlest of kisses. Then he kissed my damp cheeks and both of my eyes before pulling me down on top of him and wrapping his legs around my body in the best of hugs.

We lay like that for a long while, no words, nothing but the gentle thrum of some tune Zach must’ve decided needed humming. I liked it, just as I liked him, just as I... I rolled the words around in my head, feeling their rightness in my heart.

And when Zach figured we were done, he bundled me into the ute and we drove back to my place in silence, his hand around mine, his grip determined. I felt too shattered to do anything more than follow his lead, grateful for his presence, and fearful about what the future held, knowing I couldn’t,wouldn’thide these feelings from him for much longer.

Back in the bungalow, Zach had me wait in the lounge while he let Jojo and Nina into the yard. When they were done chasing shadows, he walked me down to the bathroom, stripped and led me into the shower, pressing gentle kisses over my shoulders and anywhere else he could reach. He washed and dried me head to foot before pouring me into bed like the jelly-legged, empty shell of a man that I’d thought I’d left behind with the worst of my grief over a year ago.

So much for that.

I half expected Zach to see me into bed and then return to the station. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he did. I was no company for anyone.

Instead, he crawled in behind me and whispered in my ear, “Let me make you feel good.”

I looked over my shoulder to find his green eyes full of concern and gleaming in the light from the table lamp.

His lips pressed against my shoulder. “Let me bring you back just a little.”

My mouth opened but nothing came out. The way I felt, it sounded impossible. It sounded like... a miracle. But I couldn’t find the words to say no. Didn’t want to.

“Is that a yes?” He pressed a questioning kiss to my lips and all I could do was nod.

“Okay.” He shifted to his knees and loomed over me, a small smile painting his lips. “You don’t move unless I say so, got it?”

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