Page 80 of The Mechanics of Lust

Not... that?His words landed like a punch to my gut, but I schooled my expression. “It’s notjustbecause of you. I’ve been—” I stopped and ran my thumbs over the backs of his hands.Dammit to hell.This was going nowhere fast. I took a deep breath and tried again. “Look, all I’m saying is that I’d like to try for something more between us. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t, but can’t we at least try? We’re good together, Zach, and I know you feel it too. We might’ve started as one thing but that doesn’t mean it can’t change. You, of all people, should understand that.” I knew it was the wrong thing to say even before his eyes hardened.

“Me, of all people? Don’t use what happened with Holden against me, Luke.” His gaze narrowed, and I wondered how the hell we’d found ourselves here.

I took a breath and tried to calm my racing heart. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Look, I know I’m a mess. I’m still grieving, and I still don’t have a solid direction in place. But I also know I’m in love with you, and I can’t pretend that what we’re doing is enough anymore. The rest is up to you.”

Zach stared at me for a long moment, but I couldn’t read anything in his expression. Then he turned away and ran a hand back and forth over his mouth like he was at war in his head, and I supposed he was. I hoped for the best, but when he finally turned back, I saw the answer in those beautiful sad eyes before a word was said.

“I’m sorry, Luke. I... can’t be that for you. I more than like you too, but I’m only beginning to see a future for myself, and it’s going to take all of my focus to make it happen. Part of that is thanks to you, but it didn’t everincludeyou.”

I swallowed around the gritty taste in my mouth.It was clearly a night for home truths.

But Zach wasn’t done. “Between you and me, and Holden and Gil, there’s a ton of ways that whole idea could go sideways. I owe them more than I can ever repay. I need that job. I need the station. And right now, I need to focus on getting my business running, otherwise, I have nothing to fall back on. I don’t have time for a proper relationship, especially with someone who is so—”

“Broken?” I offered with a sad shake of my head.

“No.” He cupped my cheek. “Not broken. Just... uncertain.” He smiled softly. “I can’t afford to risk my future on maybes, and I don’t think you’re ready either, Luke.”

I shot him a long, level look. “Are you sure it’s notyouwho isn’t ready? Because there’s nothingmaybeaboutmyfeelings, Zach. I’m very clear on those. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you don’t regret putting the people you love first. The rest will follow, although I’m not sure what more I can do to prove it to you.”

He leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips. “Then maybe you shouldn’t try.” His warm breath condensed in the cool air and then dissipated, taking my hopes along with it. “I’ve enjoyed our time together. You’ve given me more encouragement and hope than I’ve had in a long time. But I have to focus on getting a life for myself again. I’d like to stay friends if you think that’s possible. I’m just not sure it can ever be more than that.”

Oh God. Oh God.As much as I’d guessed this was coming, it still hit me like a freight train, almost taking my legs from under me.How the hell did I get it so wrong?

How the hell was I going to get through this too? Callie. Gil. And now Zach.

I needed to say something, right? To ask him one last time? To... what... beg?

No.

He’d been crystal clear.

And so, I said nothing. Instead, I lost myself in those green eyes for the final time, feeling my own fill in reply.I am not going to fucking cry.

I held my breath as Zach cupped my cheek and stepped forward to kiss me one last time, his face in shadow, a slight hitch to his breath as he pulled away.

“Take care, Luke.” His hand lingered on my cheek for a second, and then he turned and walked away.

I swallowed the cry that almost broke free as I tracked every step of his departure, willing him to turn around, to say he’d made a mistake, that he did want to try, that he felt the same way.

But Zach did none of those things. He silently climbed into his ute, threw it into gear, and drove away.

I continued to watch in disbelief as he barely paused at the top of the street before turning left, his taillights fading along with any hope I had that he might change his mind.

I fell against the gnarly trunk of the oak and tried to make sense of what had just happened.

Had I really read things so wrong between us?

Maybe Zach hadn’t been ready to jump into anything more serious, but to end it like that?Jesus, that hurt.

Ten days before, we’d been walking hand in hand along the canal after an emotional night where I could’ve sworn he felt the same as I did. There was no way I’d simply imagined the change in our relationship over that weekend. It wasn’t possible.Was it?

I scrubbed at my eyes and started walking, my breath fogging around my face. Yellow light from the streetlamps plunged through the thinning oak canopy to paint crazy patterns on the sidewalk, the cold westerly swirling the fallen leaves in slow circles that crunched underfoot and gathered in soft mounds in doorways and gutters.

The memory came from nowhere. Callie squealing and jumping into a pile of leaves I’d raked in our backyard. Giggling with delight when I gave up and joined her. Helping me scoop leaves to cover us both to our chins so only our heads poked free. Gil telling us not to move and running for his camera.

Oh God.Pain lanced through my chest, and I fell against the pharmacy wall, hands on my knees, dry retching time and again with nothing but the sour taste of bile in my throat to show for it.

Lifting my head, I swept the back of my hand across my mouth and stared at the cloud-muted night sky. Jesus Christ, this needed to stop. I’d guessed it was coming, so what the hell?

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