Page 17 of The Mechanics of Lust

The line between Zach’s brows deepened. “Fair enough. But while we’re on the subject, you were also right about what you said in the pub that night.”

My eyebrows hit my hairline. “Two things in one afternoon? Be still my heart. Do tell.”

Zach rolled his eyes but there was a quirk to his lips. “I only meant that itiskind of weird... watching the two of them... being on the fringes when I’d once been...” he didn’t finish, trailing off to study sparkling clear water clattering and clunking over the stony riverbed.

“Are you still in love with Holden?” The question was out before I knew it and Zach’s surprised gaze slid sideways to meet mine.

He hesitated before answering, “No, I don’t think I have been for a while now, although being around them all the time does tend to make things... confusing.”

I frowned. “Confusing how?”

He thought again. “I suppose I want what they have, that... closeness. I’ve always imagined what it would feel like to have that constant support, that one person who was there just for me. And I’ve spent so long imagining,hopingthat it might happen with Holden, that it’s been hard to let that go. And now—” He shrugged. “—I don’t think it’s Holden I love, but maybe just the idea of whattheyrepresent. The funny thing is, it was always me who was the settle-down, white-picket-fence guy, while Holden was the love ’em and leave ’em sort.” His cheeks reddened. “And I have no idea why I’m telling you any of this.”

“Probably because of anyone here, I’m the one most likely to understand.” I paused, then added with a wry grin, “Well, as much as a big bad marriage wrecker like me can possibly grasp those kinds of subtle associations.” I shuddered for dramatic effect and Zach rolled his eyes.

“Fuck you.”

I replied without thinking, “I’m not averse to that.”

Zach shot me a startled side-eye and I quickly changed tack, admitting, “You don’t think I watch the two of them and wonder where Gil and I went wrong? If things had worked out differently?”

Zach’s brows knotted at the idea, but he said nothing, his gaze fixed on the tumbling water. After a long moment, he pulled on his socks and shoved his feet back into his boots. Then he stared up at the clouding sky and a pair of hawks circling over the river. The front was on its way, chasing the blue sky ahead of its steady northeast march and driving the temperature down. It looked like rain. It felt like rain. The humidity heavy in the air like a warm wet blanket.

“It might surprise you to know that Idosometimes wonder about all those things,” I admitted, leaning back on my hands, hyperaware of the heat emanating from Zach’s body, which suddenly seemed very close to mine. Somewhere along the way, between both of us pulling on our boots, we’d bridged the gap—a few centimetres to the right and our shoulders would touch.

“I’m not immune to how deeply they’re in love, you know. And yes, at first it did hurt. Kind of ironic, right, since I was the one who eventually walked out. The failure of our marriage led Gil to the relationship he needed, leaving me on the outside. It was a sour pill to swallow for a long while.”

Zach ran his palms down his thighs and turned his troubled green eyes to me. “Yeah, but you and Gil had been married, whereas Holden hadneverbeen in love with me.” It sounded so matter of fact, but there was a wealth of emotion swirling in those green eyes. “So, the truth is, I have zero right to feel bitter aboutanything.Holden had been clear from the start, so it was my problem. But that’s all beside the point—” He got to his feet and brushed the scraps of tussock from his clothes. “—I just wanted to apologise for what I said. And to say thanks for helping out today.”

I nodded. “My pleasure.” I caught his gaze and held it. “But just for the record, you don’t need to justify what you feel, Zach. If I learned one thing being married to a psychologist, it’s that you feel what you feel, full stop.”

His gaze lingered on mine like he was maybe going to reply, but then he simply nodded and headed back to the gazebo, giving me the chance to admire that smooth country swagger I’d obsessed about from the first day we’d met. The man looked good comingorgoing and I wasn’t above a little appreciation. It meant something that he’d apologised. That he’d made the effort.

But in the end, it changed little.

I needed to let Zach be and focus on carving out a new life for myself minus a marriage and the best daughter in the world. There were enough ways I could fuck that up without adding a poorly timed and ill-considered fling into the mix.

The trip back was a lot noisier than the morning flight, with everyone hyped up from the day’s adventures. The volunteer team was a fun group that seemed to get on well, and I’d been smiling from the minute we’d loaded everyone on board. They were also completely different from the crowd I usually hung out with in Wellington—more relaxed and down-to-earth, throwing bullshit my way as readily as they did amongst themselves. It was a good feeling, I realised with a jolt. Not that I didn’t have some good friends back home, but the majority continued to treat me with kid gloves, as they had ever since Callie had died.

I missed being just one of the crowd. Being the target of jokes and innuendo. Being just a regular guy. Not Gil’s ex-husband. Not Callie’s grieving dad. Not the man whose life was going nowhere. Even if I was still all of those. With these people, I could also be just plain Luke, no bigger screw-up than anyone else.

Doug Carstairs had nabbed the front passenger seat again, turning a deaf ear to the grumblings of the others. There was no mistaking the less-than-PG interest in his eyes whenever they met mine, and I figured I wasn’t going to have to wait long until he made a move. Deciding how I was going to handle it was the next problem.

Kelsie and Pedro were the first drop, and then I headed for Tekapo. Doug was having dinner with his sister’s family and so I’d offered to drop him second, hoping to grab a few local history books from Holden before I beat the weather back to Oakwood. Doug’s sister was waiting at the airfield and offered a cheery wave as we set down.

Doug slid the headset from his head, grabbed his pack, and climbed out. He set Carmine free and then caught my eye and leaned back through the open door.

I slid my headset to the side and waited.

Doug tilted his head and there was no mistaking the look he sent me. “Care to meet up for a drink at the Oakwood pub on Friday?”

And there it was. I fought back a smile and was about to saythanks, but no thankswhen I caught sight of Zach’s scowl in the mirror and my decision flipped on its head. “Um, yeah, sure.”

Doug snorted. “No need to sound so excited.”

I chuckled. “Sorry. You caught me by surprise. That would be nice.”

He brightened. “Good. How about six? We could grab something to eat while we’re at it.”

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