Page 37 of The Mechanics of Lust

Yes.

I didn’t even need to think about it. Doug would have fitted that sad pattern. But Zach? Not in a million years. For one thing, he was too much hard work. I could get laid for a lot less effort and considerably less bruising to my ego. Not to mention, I’d never practically begged a hookup to stay the night or walked away wanting a whole lot more, wanting more than they did. Hell, most of the time I barely remembered their names. Also, regardless of what Gil thought, I hadn’t had a hookup in months. Ihadalready broken that pattern.

And if I were totally honest, I’d have to admit that Zach had been one of the attractions to moving down in the first place. A chance to get to know him better and see if I could break through that steel wall he’d shoved in my face. But I hadn’t expected... last night. I hadn’t expected to... feel, not like that, although maybe I should have.

I turned my head and stared through the window at the blush of dawn beginning to reach up from the horizon. I imagined Zach on his big bike thundering along the tussock-lined dirt road toward Miller Station. There was no way he wasn’t thinking about what had happened between us, just like me. I didn’t care which way he looked at it or how he tried to rationalise it in his head, last night wasn’t going to be as easily put aside as he wanted.

I’d caught the wild look in his eyes. And I’d watched him throw his head back and holler when he’d come. I’d marvelled at the want on his face and his laughter as we’d teased and fucked each other like it was the best party in town. I’d been around long enough to know that type of chemistry didn’t come along every day.

Zach and I were tinder to fucking flame and we’d both known it before he’d set a single foot on my doorstep.

And then there was all this,he’d said.This. You. Us.

We’d lit a fire in our bellies that was meant to burn for a lot longer than one night. The question was, how did I get Zach to admit to it? Because one night with the sexy country man was never going to be enough.

I forced my aching body out of bed and was reminded I wasn’t twenty anymore. Or even thirty. Hell, even thirty-five was looking pretty damn tiny in the rear-view mirror. It had been a while since I’d had such athleticsex. Volume was clearly no substitute for quality.

I pushed the window up and stretched the kinks from my spine. The last weather front had freshened the ground, but not nearly enough to slake the high country’s thirst, and my lawn looked, well, not like any healthy lawn should—brown being the new green. A soft rose wash painted the horizon and a welcome cool breeze licked around my groin. The slight sting made me glance down to discover an angry stubble rash blazing on my inner thighs.

The sight sent a Rolodex of sexy images cascading through my brain, and I did a quick inventory of all the other tender spots, starting with a pretty solid throb in my arse.

And whose great idea was that?I smiled at the memory.

I hadn’t bottomed in... Jesus, it had to be two years or more.Note to self—add a dildo to the shopping list—mail order.

I turned away from the window and blinked at the sight of a piece of note paper sitting on Zach’s pillow.Huh.I stared at it for a moment, then half nervous, half hopeful,I wandered across and picked it up.

Thanks. Last night was fun.

Zach

He’d written something else but then scribbled over it and I couldn’t help but chuckle.Fun?It was succinct, I guess. Zach was clearly a man of few words.

I reached for my phone and texted,I’m so glad you signed the note in case my memory failed me. Could’ve been embarrassing if I replied to the wrong person.

I slid the phone onto the dresser, caught my reflection in the mirror, and paused. I stared at the silver heart that hung low on my chest and thought of my conversation with Zach. Before I could change my mind, I undid the clasp and popped the heart in my drawer, leaving only the cord around my neck. I took a deep breath and confronted myself in the mirror.

Well, whaddya know.

I looked the same. The world hadn’t stopped turning. And there wasn’t the well of grief I’d been expecting. Maybe just a trickle. The heart had always been about Gil and me, a reminder of a time I’d never regret but was no longer a part of my future.

My gaze slid sideways to the framed photo of Callie standing next to the mirror and my heart gave a tiny stutter. I picked it up and ran my fingertips over her face. “Oh, baby.” My throat thickened and I fought the tears that still appeared every damn time I took a minute to acknowledge the fact she was gone... for good. “I miss you so fucking much.”

I grabbed my phone and slumped down on the bed, swallowing that all-too-familiar wave of emotion. Scrolling through my saved voicemails, I hovered over her name. Then I pressed play and fell back onto the mattress.

Hi Poppa.

You’ll never guess what happened! Crabby Mr Martin said I gave the best speech out of everyone, and I get to pick the next book for our class read. Daddy said you’ll help me choose. Will you call as soon as you land in Christchurch? I wish you didn’t have to be away tonight. Daddy said he’d make me meatballs and spaghetti after the party so we can celebrate, but we both know he’s gonna sneak some vegetables in there somewhere.

Her clear laughter rang out from the phone.

I love you, Poppa, forever and always. See you tomorrow night.

But I hadn’t called her back.

And we hadn’t seen each other the next night, either.

Because by the time I’d landed, Callie was already gone; killed in the car accident that nearly took Gil’s life as well. I’d opened my phone to a ton of calls and messages telling me to get back to Wellington on the next flight. I hadn’t even found her voicemail until days later.

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