Page 73 of The Mechanics of Lust

I studied him for a second, not sure whether to be pissed or touched by the oddly parental concern. “Why on earth would you be worried?”

He leaned forward on his knees, those dark brown eyes soft. “You’ve hardly left the station in a year for anything other than Miller business, and then all of a sudden, you’re gone several nights a week, including your day off, which you normally keep sacrosanct for training your dogs. I just wanna make sure you’re okay.” He looked genuinely troubled, and my irritation eased.

“I’m fine,” I reassured him. “I’ve been a bit... pre-occupied.” A smile found my lips before I could censor it.

Of course, Holden didn’t miss it. “So, thereisa guy.” He chuckled. “I knew it. Come on, who’s the lucky fella?”

“Oh, hell no.” I raised my palms. “There is no way I’m throwing anyone to the wolves. Besides, it’s just a bit of fun. Nothing serious.” I swallowed around what was absolutely a big old fat lie.

Holden studied me for a second, then said, “Nah, I’m not buying it. You’ve never been the bit-of-fun type.”

I held his gaze, my irritation rising once again, and said coolly, “Things change, Holden. People change. People... learn.”

Holden flushed red, then gave a nod. “Yeah, I guess I deserved that. It’s just...”

When he didn’t continue, I sighed. “Go on, you may as well say what you came to.”

His frown deepened and his gaze slid from me to the lake, its mirrored surface reflecting a cool blue sky. “It’s just that I know you don’t throw your affection around lightly.” He turned back to face me. “You’re cautious, Zach. And that’s a good thing. And I’m sorry if what happened between us changed that for you in any way. I was so fucking oblivious to your feelings back then, and there’s no excuse. I should’ve known.”

“Why?” I scoffed. “I never said a word. You had no reason to believe anything had changed. Jesus, Holden, you don’t have superpowers even though you might think you do. And you’re not responsible for my feelings. I’m a grown man, like you. So how about you back off a bit.”

He caught my eye and winced. “Okay, fair comment. But before we leave the subject, I’d like the opportunity to say something that’s been eating at me, if that’s okay with you?”

I answered warily. “Okaaay.”

“That last year that you and I—” He shrugged. “—well, you know.”

“Were fucking?” I offered with a smile that felt genuine and without any hurt attached, without anything much at all other than a kind of fond wistfulness.

Holden snorted. “Yeah, that. Well, I know we agreed not to be exclusive...” He flushed again. “But looking back now, I’m sorry if I did anything to hurt you. I knew you weren’t out much with other guys, since you weren’t out at all, but when you told me how you felt, well, I started thinking—”

“Jesus Christ, enough, Holden, please. I get it and thank you. But to be honest, it almost feels like a lifetime ago.”And damn if that wasn’t true.“Besides, it was all on me back then, not you. You did nothing wrong. And I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I’m kind of over it.”

He looked a little taken aback, and then when I chuckled, a deep frown cut his brow.

“Jesus, you should see your face.” I cupped his cheek. “You’re cute, and yes, I was in love with you. But sometimes when I look back, it feels more like a fantasy, like I wanted it to be true so badly because of all the other shit I was dealing with. You, or maybe the possibility of there being anus, was like this light at the end of the tunnel, you know?” I dropped my hand and his expression grew wry, maybe even a little relieved.

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“I might have been hurt and jealous when you fell head over heels for Gil, but it was also so damned easy to see that you were made for each other.”

He took my hand. “I want that for you too.”

Luke’s face flashed into my brain and I pushed it away. “Maybe, one day. For now, I want to get my own life back on track. So, please, stop worrying about me. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy or pity. I’m not pining for you, Holden. I’m not wasting away. I’m perfectly fine.”Kind of.But that had nothing to do with him.

Holden rolled his eyes. “I guess that tells me.”

“You know I don’t mean it that way.” I squeezed his hand and let it go. “Just be my best friend. That’s all I need.”

His shoulders relaxed and a weighty sigh fell from his lips, and for the first time in years, I felt like we were back on an equal footing. “So...” A sly smile stole over his face. “Does that mean youareseeing someone?”

I groaned, and answered, “I’mfuckingsomeone, yes.”

Something flickered in his eyes. “Is he treating you well?”

The image of Luke’s blissed-out face as I was riding his cock only an hour before sprang to mind. “Yes, Dad. He’s treating me well.”

Holden huffed. “Good. You’re special, Zach, and you deserve the best that’s out there. The guy who lands you will have won the jackpot.”

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