Page 75 of The Mechanics of Lust

She went quiet for a moment and when I pictured her sitting in her favourite armchair staring out toward Mount Sibbald, my heart ached. A year down the track and the gut punch of her failure to stand up for me still stung.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. That’s on me. But I’ve told your father I’ll call whenever I like and he can deal with it.”

I tried not to let the shock show in my voice or ask more about how that defiance had gone down, because I couldn’t imagine it went well. My dad wasn’t violent or even particularly argumentative; he was simply an immovable rock when it came to his views and silence was his weapon of choice. I remembered what Luke had said about the bare-minimum expectations from people who were meant to love you, and I thought about how my mother had left me hanging. I kept my response checked. “Good for you, Mum. What can I do for you?”

“Can’t I just call to talk to my son?” Hurt had crept into her voice and I knew she’d expected more from me. I just... couldn’t.

“Of course you can call. What’s up?”

She proceeded to tell me, in a happier tone, about her latest doctor appointment and how the colder weather was playing havoc with her arthritis. She talked about her baking and the new shepherd the station had hired out of Australia and how the woolshed extension was going to make life easier for everyone. “We’d love for you to come visit and see the changes.”

I said nothing, running her words through my head a second time while my heart thumped against my chest. “Who’swe, Mum?” I took a breath. “Has Dad asked for me to visit?”

Her hesitation said everything I needed to know, and my stomach dropped in my boots as she answered. “Not exactly. But I’m sure if you come, he’ll want to talk, you canbothtalk. He’s a stubborn old man, you know that, but there has to be a solution to this... standoff between the two of you.”

I shook my head and sighed. “There is, Mum.” I winced at the hurt in my voice, not wanting her to hear. “And it starts with an apology, or at least with Dad approaching mehimselfif he wants to talk. I’ve heard nothing since Dad dropped Jojo and Nina off here last year, and that was hardly pleasant. He insulted me, Mum. And he insulted Holden and GilandMiller Station. He doesn’t get to do that and then think he can just keep calling the shots. I don’t live on Lane Station anymore. Dad made sure of that. And he made it crystal clear that he didn’tapproveof me being gay.”

“He never threw you off the station,” she protested weakly. “You left.”

Anger bit at my words. “Ileftbecause hetold me that if I wanted to stay, I wasn’t allowed tobe gayon the station. No boyfriends, no mentioning my sexuality, nothing, so thathecan pretend it doesn’t exist. Therealme doesn’t exist.”

“I know, I know,” she relented. “Andyouknow that I didn’t agree with him. I should’ve said something at the time.”

“Yes, you should have.” My voice shook. “And I’m still not prepared to be anything other than who I am. So, unless Dad’s changed his mind about thoserules, we still have nothing to say to each other. Has he... reconsidered?” I couldn’t tame the hope in my voice and hated myself for it.

“I... don’t know,” she admitted on a rush of air. “Some days, I think he has. He does talk about you and your dog training, and I know he pays attention to everything that’s said about Miller Station, but beyond that, I’m not sure. But he’s changed since you left. He’s... harder, somehow, and I don’t like it. I know he misses you. I don’t think he ever believed that you’d actually leave. And now he doesn’t know how to change things.”

“Yes, he does,” I corrected her. “And he wrote me out of the Station Trust, Mum. That doesn’t sound like he wants to change things.”

“That was right back when it first happened. He was only lashing out.”

I grunted in disgust. The whole conversation was doing my head in, and I started second-guessing whether I was doing the right thing all over again. Was I expecting too much? Luke’s voice sounded in my brain once again.You can’t sacrifice yourself to keep other people happy, not even your parents.

It was enough to steel my resolve. “It’s not my job to rescue him, Mum.” The words leapt from my tongue. “Dad hurt me. Badly. Youbothdid, but him in particular. For the sake of our family, I’m willing to meet him halfway, but I’m not going to offer myself up on a sacrificial plate. I won’t walk onto Lane Station without Dad wanting and agreeing to talk ahead of time. And I meantalk, as in a discussion, not him ranting or lecturing me. I won’t expose myself to that again, and he needs to know that’s a hard line. I’ll walk away. But ifyouwant to meet up, then I’d love that. We could arrange something in Oakwood. Jules will bring you. But I won’t come to the station without Dad asking.”

The line fell silent, and I wondered for a second if she’d hung up. Then I caught a small grunt of acceptance. “Okay. I’ll talk to Jules, and he can set up a time to meet for coffee in Oakwood.”

A sigh of relief ripped through me. I hadn’t lost her. “Sounds like a plan. Does Jules know about this call? About your plan?” I really, really hoped not.

“No,” she answered quickly. “And I’d appreciate you not mentioning it. He’s not exactly happy with me as it is.”

That made me smile.Good for him.I had no doubt my brother had made his feelings patently clear to them both. Dad wouldn’t have liked it, but he couldn’t run the station without Jules, and he wouldn’t dare risk losing him as well. “Don’t worry. I won’t mention it.”

“Thank you. I do love you, Zach. I hope you know that?”

I made a sound of assent that I wasn’t sure I felt, and I was still thinking about it when she hung up. After a few moments, it struck me that I did believe she loved me. She was trying to change, after all, and that had to mean something. But as for my father? For a second, I’d let myself hope. Lesson learned. I wouldn’t be wasting any more energy wishing for that miracle.

Or for any miracle, for that matter.

Not even for the miracle of Luke Nichols. Maybe especially not for that one.

Luke was a great guy. He was more than that. But it was crazy to think he and I were going anywhere. I had nothing to offer and he had about the same. Our time together had been nice, really nice, too fucking nice. But I didn’t have the luxury of Holden’s tight-knit family and team behind me. I didn’t own a station or live on my family’s. I didn’t have Gil’s training, or a business to sell, or land on which to start another.

I was on my own.

And I needed to stay focused.

Who knew where Luke was headed? Not even Luke had much idea about that. But one thing seemed certain. It wasn’t intomyfuture, which was firmly locked in the Mackenzie Basin. A point worth remembering before things between us got even more tangled and I did something stupid that I’d live to regret later.

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